I Love You, I Hate You

We never spoke
I was ashamed
But I stayed
I am stronger than you could possibly know
I’m still here
Full of rage
Waiting for you

Dear Universe,

Thank you for reminding me why that particular relationship wouldn’t have worked out. I was able to deceive myself with time and distance into thinking that it could have because I allowed myself to forget how he made me feel. I could never tell if he actually cared about me, or if I was just someone he was with to pass the time. The truth hurts, but it’s a hurt that I needed to feel.

All I have ever wanted was to find a man who would love me as much as my father loves my mother. I never thought that was too much to ask for, but maybe it is. He loves her in an epic way. He would move heaven and earth for her and she would do the same for him. I want that. I’m ready for that. Tell me, why can’t I find that?

Every time I love someone, they leave me. They hurt me. Sometimes it’s more than in just the emotional sense. I don’t think that I am so desperate that I am attracted to bad people. I just want someone to love me enough that I can feel stable.

None of this really has anything to do with last night. That was me in my feelings. “I miss you” didn’t mean what I wanted it to mean. “I miss you” meant that he was bored and lonely and horny because his last relationship ended, and I was the safest option. It didn’t mean “I still love you and I want you back and please move back here, across the actual country, for me.” I wanted it to mean that because I just want someone to love me like my parents love each other. Sometimes I despair of ever being loved that way.

Please, please throw me a bone, universe. I’ve been dating since I was 15. I’m exhausted. Where is he?

Sincerely,
Heartbroken

My Reflection

Lately I have been remembering everything she did to me, it dawns on me to this day how isolated and abnormal I was.
Today I watched a new series called The Act and it made me face again how despite her actions were done in a different way, the outcome was still the same and the desire just as similar.
I am not sending this letter to talk about this, though. There is something only my closest people know: I have visions of the future.

I am not claiming to be a fortune teller by any means, no... These visions show to me as dreams.
It is widely known that dreams are the reflection of our real world, a place our worries manifest into characters and symbolism as our mind tries it's best to find a solution to our problems. For most of my life I have had these dreams that show me the way out of my issues, but it wasn't as strong and as persistent as when I was 17 years old. See... I was fed up with her abuse, I was fed up with her taking my money from the pension and not spending it on things I needed [idk... like FOOD], I was fed up with the humiliation...
One day while I was watching Vsauce DONG videos I found out about a game called Zineth, it was a skating game [which was right down my alley] made by a few grad students which won the award for the competition it was submitted to; despite the weird control scheme I was enjoying the good time it gave me.

The combination of my misery, my desire to find a way out and a video game was the Perfect Chemistry to what eventually became a cascade of dreams that screamed: GO HOME, GO LIVE YOUR LIFE!
Through these dreams I understood the disappointment she felt when I refused to be her Mssiah, I saw the beginning of my inspirations, I met my soul-mate... I went home.
Fast forwarding to now, the end of the decade... The majority of my dreams have become true, I am with the few family members that love me, I have been partners with the soul-mate of my dream for 5 years now, Daniel Kyre committed suicide [i'm sorry], Gabe the Dog passed away [when I found his name]... But the most ominous part to me, something I wasn't told until a few months ago... For some reason he had a dream, he dreamt of me... He dreamt that I would be an important piece in the game. It makes me wonder... Am I real?


-Potential Time and Space Entity