I've Spent Some Time...

...deciding whether or not this is a good idea. I’m still not convinced it is. It is, however, the only thing I can think to do. I love you. That ‘love’ encompasses both the really close friends kind AND the romantically inclined kind. The lack of the second on your part will not affect the former on my part. I told you as much over Thanksgiving, but on the chance that it was couched in girl-speak, or misunderstood, or even, perhaps, unwelcome, I want to clarify. I acknowledge that any of these are a possibility- and if you’re not interested, hey, that’s OK. It happens. I also acknowledge that the obstacles are hardly minor. And I acknowledge that at this particular point in your life, even reading this may add to your burden of madness. If that’s so, I’m sorry. But I do have a favor to ask: until you do meet the Girl- the Real Deal- spare my heart for a little while, and don’t tell me about it. I’d love to be your girl. I like the beach when the fiery death ball is going down. You’re challenging, and brave and beautiful. I think you’re awfully excellent. Give me some time, censor these particular details- I will be quietly grateful, and I will move on. Not away from our friendship, which I value tremendously, but I’ll move past the twitterpation. But at this particular moment, in the full bore insanity and upheaval of the last two years, help me this way. (By doing this on paper that has been at the mercy of the US Postal Service, I’m giving you the option of pretending this never happened.) In any case, I want to watch you defend your thesis, bitch about grad school, be part of your support system, learn the rules of tennis, trade book recommendations, debate ALL the things and generally carry on as we have, save the above. I hope this doesn’t fuck things up.

Dear Best Guy "Friend,"

I was obsessed with you last year and then realized I never had a chance with you so I let go. Now I have moved on to someone else. But I really never have moved on or stopped liking you. Today I have a another man named WR that loves me a lot and always has since he came to this school. But I am still not happy. You always say that I am your closest girl friend but I am just known as your "friend". I go to sleep every night thinking about you and wishing that you liked me. All my friends say that I am so lucky because I have a guy that loves me (WR) and I love him back but I don't know if I want him anymore. I still want you.

You are always there for me whenever I need you. I remember when all of my friends turned against me, you were there for me and let me cry on your shoulder. You gave me a hug stood up for me and were on my side and told me that you were there for me. I don't know if you remember that but that was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I know that I could never get you because you are way too good for me. All of my friends say that I flirt with you too much and they tell me to back off but they don't know that I like you and have always had feelings for you since you came here. I love you. I will never tell you or any of my friends that I do love you because I know that WR would be heartbroken and that our friendship would be ruined. And you would not hang out with me anymore. That would just suck ass. I love you and I know that you "love me" too as a friend. It is hard to resist whenever I am with you though. I just had to let out all my feelings. I will NEVER send this.

Love,
Your Best Girl "Friend"

What Happened?

We knew each other the whole summer. Then you finally decided to ask for my number. When we first started talking, I was terrified to think any good might come from this. You were, and still are, sweet, funny, shy at times, and so many other things, and I was amazed that you wanted to spend your time with me.

As the days when on, I let myself be more comfortable about you. I thought that maybe this could be different. We told each other how we felt. You liked me and I liked you, what else is there? Literally the day before, you said you couldn't wait to see me. I even went and bought a new dress. Then you didn't show up. You left me waiting for you, crying.

What happened? You said you liked me and wanted me to meet your family. We were supposed to be a good thing. I cared about you....a lot. The first time I let myself, and this is what happens. I don't regret the time we had; I just wish I knew what went wrong. I've replayed out whole relationship over and over and over, but to no avail. It doesn't help that I see you often. Everything reminds me of you. Everything. I miss you.

I wish you the best, Puffy.

Love,
Musa

I Never Thought...

...that I would be the type of person to be writing one of these letters, but then again, I never thought I would find and lose the most beautiful soul that made my life worth living. You never expect to have someone make such an impact on your life, and then when it happens, it’s the greatest feeling around. Pure Love is a beautiful thing. I never thought it would happen to me, after being hurt so many times, I thought ‘LOVE’ was only a word, something that could be phrased without meaning. I always understood that there would be problems, but I was willing to work through anything. I dare say it was my willingness that eventually killed us. By wanting to be closer I only pushed you further and further, and I regret it every day, night, pretty much any time I draw breath. I am sorry for not being strong enough to be the person you needed. I hope one day I will be strong enough to be that person.

I think of all the times that helped me realise you were my one and only. The times were we would sit across the room from each other talking to others, but I would always see you smiling at me like I was the only person in the room, times where we would be apart for either a short period or days on end, but when we saw each other, we ran to each other to embrace and hold each other so tight, that it felt like neither one of us would ever let go, and making love, intense passionate love, and knowing that it was true, these are feeling that can never be changed or replaced.

My love for you will never leave, fade or die. No matter how you live your life, where it takes you or what you do, I hope you know my love for you will always be there. Even if it means I live a long and lonely life, at least I know that I will have loved my true Love, and it has filled my heart for eternity, and even in my darkest hour, when I sit and weep wishing you were there, at least I can say that you filled my life with Love, and you were everything I ever wanted.

I love you, miss you and hope you are healing.

Dear You,

On the way home tonight I was listening to music, flipping through stations and being in my dad's car, I came across NPR. They were playing a beautiful song on the piano, a song that was sorrowful but reminded me of you. At first you playing the piano, then specifically of how we had long conversations about a year ago how we didn't want to ruin our friendship with a relationship.

Eventually the relationship developed, it lasted a good bit of time, and we enjoyed ourselves. I fell in love, but that's not my point, that's done with. One day you broke up with me, and I'm over that it's gone, done, and I'm over you.

However, one thing specifically stuck with me that you said. It was something like "I want us to be friends, good friends." In my mind it almost had the "like before" ring to it. Now I ask you, do you remember that? Did you mean it? Do you still mean it? Because this isn't friendship, you're not trying. And if you didn't mean it I can deal with that, but if you meant it and you are just too lazy to try, then shame on you.

Whichever way, I'm fine. I just hate it when people don't say what they mean and you of all people should know that. You know where to find me.


From,
Me

Dear You,

I can't say I miss you because I don't. I miss what we used to be. And who you used to be. But seeing you now, I realize that's not who you are anymore. You've changed, whether for better or worse I can't decide. Maybe it's the right thing, and we just weren't meant to last. But I think we both saw what was coming and just didn't have the courage to set it aside. Either way, there's no going back now. You made your decision.

Sure, whenever I see you around now, my heart breaks a little more, but I'm not going to let it show. I wear a smile everywhere I go, and I pretend that I'm doing just fine without you in my life. It's a lie. But you don't know it. How could you know, when you act as if you're a stranger to me?

You said you wanted us to be "just friends", and I didn't cry in front of you. I didn't yell or argue about it. I had tears in my eyes but I didn't let you see them. I turned away, nodded my understanding. You saw how you hurt me. I know you tried to be that "just friends" with me. Even after we broke up we would text or just talk. Then she came along. Now it's been months since we last talked. I don't want to
be "that girl you went out with". If I can't be what I used to at least let me be a friend. Isn't that what you wanted?

I won't deny that I miss the way you held my hand, the way you kissed me, the way you laughed. And seeing you smile and knowing it was for me: that was the best feeling of all. Now I'm forced to realize someone else has you. And that she's everything I wasn't.

I don't hold anything against either of you. I love you, and as long as you're happy I will be too. So take your time, see what you need to, find out who you want to be while you're with her. All I ask is that when you see me around, when you pretend you don't know me, and when she tells YOU she wants to be "just friends".. well, I hope in your heart you Remember.

-Me

Dear You,

I'm sure if you were to read this, you would know I was talking about you. I would hope you would read it and it would hurt. It would stab you in the chest to think back and know you hurt someone that much.

You know, I wish you knew how it felt from my view when you walked out. How it made me feel pathetic. Like maybe, just maybe I wasn't enough to make you stay. Like there was something so much better on the other side of the fence. But then you made your second, very vital mistake. You tried to come back. You tried to weasel yourself back into that empty space you left in my chest. You tried to make it seem like nothing had ever happened. You thought it would be okay. That because you had realized you made a mistake, that all would be forgiven. I have news for you. I don't forgive that easily.

It's been almost a year now. And every time we push you away, you come back pushing harder. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you had to walk out on everything you held dear to you. That you had to walk out something you had put so much effort in to. But in finally realizing, it isn't my fault. It isn't my moms fault either.

You were supposed to be the dad. The role model. The person who was my rock. Well daddy, your a crappy rock.

Sincerely,
Me