Dear B,

You hurt me. I know this is a letter that I will never send. You shall never see or sense the pain I've been going through without you. How does one go from showing love constantly to blocking his feelings in a switch? I figured there must be someone else in your life, you promised to always open up and tell me about things, but instead you ran the mile- almost like someone was shouting out "run Forest, run". You hurt me. You truly did-it's been weeks now that you've been acting the weirdest, no calls, barely a message and you would blame it on the shittiest of things and I like an idiot would believe you. I know for a fact that no matter how busy we are, we make time for the ones we love. You changed... you truly did. You are definitely not the person I knew and thought you were, you're just the opposite. 

This letter is goodbye - I don't want to see you, hear from you or feel you. You're gone. 

C

its literally 10:05pm,

i honestly don’t know if you’re ever going to read this but if you are, well...  

do you remember when we were at EK's party when we we’re sitting by her pool and somehow the conversation of who had a crush on you popped up and i said “everyone has a little baby crush on you” i was a part of everyone. ew wait that sounds weird but you know what i mean. 

i wasn’t honest with you when you asked me when i started liking you i told you it was at the zoo but it had been there i just never acted on it because we're completely different (yet the same in so many ways) so i never expected things to turn out the way it did. having spent that much time with you before and the little after we graduated just made me so happy to get to know you. and as the days went on i let myself be more comfortable with you and to my surprise it didn’t take me long (at all). 

i just realized now that i never really responded to what you said and that i just thought it in my head. you said you just “needed a friend for right now” and i might’ve seemed so calm on the outside but i told myself that as long as i could just be around you i would be ok that’s all i needed that’s where i was wrong. driving home from Dil’s house that day after having spent what 4-5 hours after you telling me that, i was a wreck. but also that very same day at the park you asked me about CJ which i get he was a part of my life for about 4-5 years and it was a very painful period where i had to learn a lot of things i did and didn’t want to learn. i told you that “i was coerced into a lot of things i didn’t want to do” and i never really went into detail about what happened and to be frank with you i wasn’t ready to talk about any of it to anyone especially you because i didn’t want to see a change in the way that you looked at me. i will tell you one day but just not right now. but i will tell you this i thought i was in love and the more i think about it i wasn’t i was just some little girl that hadn’t grown up. 

i can’t say i don’t miss you because i do. i just miss being around you and your goofy little laugh. you brought peace into my life i never thought i would get. 

some days i’m okay without you but some days like today you just can’t seem to leave my mind and i find myself in tears, wishing you were here next to me. but i respect your decision, take as much time as you need, i’m willing to wait or if you meet someone else on the way that’s fine too just don’t be scared to tell me, i will not hold anything against you. i don’t regret any of it and i’m acting like i’m grieving and that i’m never going to see you again which is weird because everything i do literally reminds me of you god this sounds so cringe now that i’m typing all this out. but waiting may mean that we both stray away from one another but i’m happy as long as you are. 

from, 

 dearest

To Anyone,

I don’t know if someone actually reads these once published. Sometimes I’m on the top of the world and ready to live my life. And then all that goes to shit because my parents or someone else mess with that feeling. Whether it’s my mother demanding personal issues or information about others. Or my father threatens to abandon one of my family members in parking lots because he’s angry. Or maybe just someone tells me I’m annoying and they don’t want to be around me anymore. 

I don’t like living sometimes. I want anything and everything a normal person has but I can’t. One day I’d like a healthy romantic relationship with literally anyone. But I just can’t do or feel anything truly romantic. It just feels weird or wrong, like I’m not supposed to be there and there’s definitely something better for the other person. You want what you can never have I suppose. 

I feel used sometimes. I’m not an older sister anymore because I’m treated like a nanny or substitute mother. I don’t remember what I’ve done for the past 7 years anymore. I don’t know what I want anymore. I wish I felt normal. I don’t want to do anything. What the hell is wrong with me. 

One day I’m going to die and I won’t be remembered because I’ve done nothing and I don’t have friends who will remember me after a few years. It’s like I’m floating in space and can’t do anything because I don’t want to. I stare at literally anyone and their lives are so lived through already, but mine I can’t remember. I want what they have, but I’ll never get it because I just can’t. 

Written by, 

Another Forgettable Face

To You

I know it's been 14 years since we parted ways and divorced, the sweet empty is still there. I am 41 now and still trying to muster up the courage to move on with my life. I know you're married now with a child, there is a part of myself that still feels you with me. I hate this feeling, it's utterly embarrassing. It's the pining, the deep feelings, and the longing of the good days gone by. We were so young and crazy back then, taking every moment we had alone to make out and giggle at things no one else could understand. We even had our own "sayings" and code, I looked forward to the lengthy phone calls, and the endless love letters we sent each other via email. Being able to travel alone to see you often and feeling like a brave new girl in this great big world. They were truly the best days of my life as a young woman deeply in love. 

When we reconnected so briefly less than a few years ago, it felt so surreal, but yet, premature. My heart wanted to pour out the feelings and emotions that were locked away for so long; but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I left the exchanges short and sweet, even to the tune of my beating heart that fluttered just hearing your voice. 

I live my life the best I can day to day and try my hardest to keep in mind that our parting was for the best and that it was in the universe's plan for us not to be. In my private emotions, I miss you and think of what might've been, but in truth, it's not healthy to do so, but they are merely passing feelings that come and go. While I know we didn't have the best relationship/marriage, in memory, all I can remember are the good times, and the nights I never wanted to end. I hope someday I'll be able to heal from the void left in my heart and finally meet the love of my life someday soon. 

Sincerely, 

Me.

Have You?

Too often do I want to go back to the past...When it was easier to deal with things because I had people around me who didn't judge, who knew how to be a friend even when I didn't... Who knew how to love me and appreciate me when I hated myself so much I couldn't stand to look myself in the mirror.

Have you ever been So unhappy with the way you let yourself go?

So pissed at your genes for not making you perfect, skinny and beautiful?

Ever loved someone so much that even when he hit you or cheated on you, stole from you or lied to u it was okay because in your own mind you thought no one else could ever love you?

Ever been so afraid to walk down the halls of school because so many people hated you for the stupid shit you did when you weren't thinking?

Ever done so many drugs because it was the cool thing to do with your group that you didn't even know you you were? Because you didn't want to be you?

Ever been in love with two people at the same time that happened to be best friends? Been the reason you break up a lifelong friendship because you were too selfish and immature to make the right decision? To walk away?

Ever physically harm yourself in places no one cares to look because life just seemed to never get better? That the pain released the pain?

Isolate yourself to the point that literally every person in your life has no real idea of who you are?

do you ever feel physically sick because you know you're not good enough for anyone and can't do anything right, no matter how hard you try?

Acted like such a hardass so people have no idea how broken you truly are inside?

Hate yourself because you can't even explain why you're such a bitch all of the time? Been so exhausted of using "just tired" as an excuse to not let anyone into your fucked up head?

Ever been to the point of feeling like you're taking your last breath because you're too young and clueless to realize having an abusive boyfriend isn't okay?

Stolen because it gives you some sort of high?

Lie so much to your family that you yourself can't tell them apart from the truth?

Found every opportunity to have sex because that was the only time you could drift away from the war inside your head?

How many times in your life have you not wanted to be you?

How many times have you cried yourself to sleep?

When was the last time you truly smiled and laughed and enjoyed yourself?

When was the last time you woke up and were happy to be you?

I know people have it a lot worse then me, I'm not trying to out suck anyone... I just don't know how to be happy. I don't know the last time I was ever honestly happy with my life. I don't know anything...

Does anyone truly know who you are?

What you've done?

How many people you've hurt?

How many people have hurt you?

If you knew the secrets inside my head you wouldn’t look at me the same...

I hate myself every day I wake up because I know I'm useless to everyone around me, how could anyone love me when I don't even know how to love myself?

I'm nothing.

I'm no one.

I'm alone.

Dad, You Died So Suddenly

Well, Dad,
I got a call eight-thirtyish this morning, and it turns out you had died last night. Your heart stopped. Of course you were 86-years-old, and on dialysis, so it shouldn't have been a surprise, and yet it was. You did warn me in the days leading up to today that you felt you would not last much longer, but then, I suppose I had numbed myself to your words. I didn't want to deal with the implications of what that meant, couldn't deal with it emotionally.

After spending a full day with that knowledge, I still find that I can only deal with your death in short little bursts. I don't think I can let it all out all at once. The mourning will have to come out in little dribs and drabs. I can't deal with anything stronger.

I feel guilty that I was not kinder to you in the past few months. It's true what people say, that you regret what you did not do, not what you did do.

I want to thank you for calling me last Friday to and that you asked me to do something, something that I could do, so that the last time we saw each other was an amicable meeting. I want to thank you for leaving me the best memento you could have left me, a dog whom you loved dearly. I love him dearly, too, and your dog (my dog now) provides me with so much comfort and helps me to dull the pain. It's as if you did not leave me, and I can continue to provide you with some service.

I am so glad I took the dog with me when I saw you Friday. Fate was very, very kind to me to have given me that memory.

Your daughter

To Akela

Hello again

It was 6 years ago when I met you, and 5 years ago when I wanted to write to you last. Time flies. Life flies.

When we said goodbye, you told me: "Never lose your passion for the world." It's been hard, I won't lie, trying to keep myself up. It's been harder trying not to die, until very recently.

I'm medicated now. I've been through years of therapy for the trauma. Finally, I have some consistency. The depressive claws of mental illness aren't always digging into my flesh. In the last few months, when I wake up I don't want to die. It's incredible to feel like that-- that the world isnt crumbling around you and there's a future worth existing for. I'm doing so much. I'm reading again-- isn't that lovely? And I'm working on a community project and am due to start a second one soon. It's not changing the world, but it's a little bit of something that might cause a ripple effect. I'm poor now, but in a few years I'll be able to save up to maybe travel somewhere. I'm learning new things and I make a point to try new things every week. I want to do so much more; I'm going to do so much more with my life. I hope that if you hear of my projects in the future, you'd say something like "how nice!"

When I was 14 you inspired me beyond what I think you understand. I call them Lollipop moments: when an action is so utterly influential to a receiving party, but is so insignificant to the person who performed it. You showed me there is a future for dreamers. More importantly, you gave me a keepsake of tangible proof of that. "Never lose you passion for the world" came to mean so much more to me. It was a message of hope in times of great pessimism. It was a reminder that someone believed in me at one time, therefore I ought to press forward. It meant that in the darkest times, I still can love the world.

I don't think that I can ever fully thank you for this. Such a simple action, I marvel, has impacted my life in the best of ways. Thank you for telling me even once that I was a person of value. Thank you. I'd like to think that one day, once I've done what I want to, and if you were to learn about it, that I'd make you proud.