Have You?

Too often do I want to go back to the past...When it was easier to deal with things because I had people around me who didn't judge, who knew how to be a friend even when I didn't... Who knew how to love me and appreciate me when I hated myself so much I couldn't stand to look myself in the mirror.

Have you ever been So unhappy with the way you let yourself go?

So pissed at your genes for not making you perfect, skinny and beautiful?

Ever loved someone so much that even when he hit you or cheated on you, stole from you or lied to u it was okay because in your own mind you thought no one else could ever love you?

Ever been so afraid to walk down the halls of school because so many people hated you for the stupid shit you did when you weren't thinking?

Ever done so many drugs because it was the cool thing to do with your group that you didn't even know you you were? Because you didn't want to be you?

Ever been in love with two people at the same time that happened to be best friends? Been the reason you break up a lifelong friendship because you were too selfish and immature to make the right decision? To walk away?

Ever physically harm yourself in places no one cares to look because life just seemed to never get better? That the pain released the pain?

Isolate yourself to the point that literally every person in your life has no real idea of who you are?

do you ever feel physically sick because you know you're not good enough for anyone and can't do anything right, no matter how hard you try?

Acted like such a hardass so people have no idea how broken you truly are inside?

Hate yourself because you can't even explain why you're such a bitch all of the time? Been so exhausted of using "just tired" as an excuse to not let anyone into your fucked up head?

Ever been to the point of feeling like you're taking your last breath because you're too young and clueless to realize having an abusive boyfriend isn't okay?

Stolen because it gives you some sort of high?

Lie so much to your family that you yourself can't tell them apart from the truth?

Found every opportunity to have sex because that was the only time you could drift away from the war inside your head?

How many times in your life have you not wanted to be you?

How many times have you cried yourself to sleep?

When was the last time you truly smiled and laughed and enjoyed yourself?

When was the last time you woke up and were happy to be you?

I know people have it a lot worse then me, I'm not trying to out suck anyone... I just don't know how to be happy. I don't know the last time I was ever honestly happy with my life. I don't know anything...

Does anyone truly know who you are?

What you've done?

How many people you've hurt?

How many people have hurt you?

If you knew the secrets inside my head you wouldn’t look at me the same...

I hate myself every day I wake up because I know I'm useless to everyone around me, how could anyone love me when I don't even know how to love myself?

I'm nothing.

I'm no one.

I'm alone.

Dad, You Died So Suddenly

Well, Dad,
I got a call eight-thirtyish this morning, and it turns out you had died last night. Your heart stopped. Of course you were 86-years-old, and on dialysis, so it shouldn't have been a surprise, and yet it was. You did warn me in the days leading up to today that you felt you would not last much longer, but then, I suppose I had numbed myself to your words. I didn't want to deal with the implications of what that meant, couldn't deal with it emotionally.

After spending a full day with that knowledge, I still find that I can only deal with your death in short little bursts. I don't think I can let it all out all at once. The mourning will have to come out in little dribs and drabs. I can't deal with anything stronger.

I feel guilty that I was not kinder to you in the past few months. It's true what people say, that you regret what you did not do, not what you did do.

I want to thank you for calling me last Friday to and that you asked me to do something, something that I could do, so that the last time we saw each other was an amicable meeting. I want to thank you for leaving me the best memento you could have left me, a dog whom you loved dearly. I love him dearly, too, and your dog (my dog now) provides me with so much comfort and helps me to dull the pain. It's as if you did not leave me, and I can continue to provide you with some service.

I am so glad I took the dog with me when I saw you Friday. Fate was very, very kind to me to have given me that memory.

Your daughter