Dear B,

You hurt me. I know this is a letter that I will never send. You shall never see or sense the pain I've been going through without you. How does one go from showing love constantly to blocking his feelings in a switch? I figured there must be someone else in your life, you promised to always open up and tell me about things, but instead you ran the mile- almost like someone was shouting out "run Forest, run". You hurt me. You truly did-it's been weeks now that you've been acting the weirdest, no calls, barely a message and you would blame it on the shittiest of things and I like an idiot would believe you. I know for a fact that no matter how busy we are, we make time for the ones we love. You changed... you truly did. You are definitely not the person I knew and thought you were, you're just the opposite. 

This letter is goodbye - I don't want to see you, hear from you or feel you. You're gone. 

C

its literally 10:05pm,

i honestly don’t know if you’re ever going to read this but if you are, well...  

do you remember when we were at EK's party when we we’re sitting by her pool and somehow the conversation of who had a crush on you popped up and i said “everyone has a little baby crush on you” i was a part of everyone. ew wait that sounds weird but you know what i mean. 

i wasn’t honest with you when you asked me when i started liking you i told you it was at the zoo but it had been there i just never acted on it because we're completely different (yet the same in so many ways) so i never expected things to turn out the way it did. having spent that much time with you before and the little after we graduated just made me so happy to get to know you. and as the days went on i let myself be more comfortable with you and to my surprise it didn’t take me long (at all). 

i just realized now that i never really responded to what you said and that i just thought it in my head. you said you just “needed a friend for right now” and i might’ve seemed so calm on the outside but i told myself that as long as i could just be around you i would be ok that’s all i needed that’s where i was wrong. driving home from Dil’s house that day after having spent what 4-5 hours after you telling me that, i was a wreck. but also that very same day at the park you asked me about CJ which i get he was a part of my life for about 4-5 years and it was a very painful period where i had to learn a lot of things i did and didn’t want to learn. i told you that “i was coerced into a lot of things i didn’t want to do” and i never really went into detail about what happened and to be frank with you i wasn’t ready to talk about any of it to anyone especially you because i didn’t want to see a change in the way that you looked at me. i will tell you one day but just not right now. but i will tell you this i thought i was in love and the more i think about it i wasn’t i was just some little girl that hadn’t grown up. 

i can’t say i don’t miss you because i do. i just miss being around you and your goofy little laugh. you brought peace into my life i never thought i would get. 

some days i’m okay without you but some days like today you just can’t seem to leave my mind and i find myself in tears, wishing you were here next to me. but i respect your decision, take as much time as you need, i’m willing to wait or if you meet someone else on the way that’s fine too just don’t be scared to tell me, i will not hold anything against you. i don’t regret any of it and i’m acting like i’m grieving and that i’m never going to see you again which is weird because everything i do literally reminds me of you god this sounds so cringe now that i’m typing all this out. but waiting may mean that we both stray away from one another but i’m happy as long as you are. 

from, 

 dearest

To Anyone,

I don’t know if someone actually reads these once published. Sometimes I’m on the top of the world and ready to live my life. And then all that goes to shit because my parents or someone else mess with that feeling. Whether it’s my mother demanding personal issues or information about others. Or my father threatens to abandon one of my family members in parking lots because he’s angry. Or maybe just someone tells me I’m annoying and they don’t want to be around me anymore. 

I don’t like living sometimes. I want anything and everything a normal person has but I can’t. One day I’d like a healthy romantic relationship with literally anyone. But I just can’t do or feel anything truly romantic. It just feels weird or wrong, like I’m not supposed to be there and there’s definitely something better for the other person. You want what you can never have I suppose. 

I feel used sometimes. I’m not an older sister anymore because I’m treated like a nanny or substitute mother. I don’t remember what I’ve done for the past 7 years anymore. I don’t know what I want anymore. I wish I felt normal. I don’t want to do anything. What the hell is wrong with me. 

One day I’m going to die and I won’t be remembered because I’ve done nothing and I don’t have friends who will remember me after a few years. It’s like I’m floating in space and can’t do anything because I don’t want to. I stare at literally anyone and their lives are so lived through already, but mine I can’t remember. I want what they have, but I’ll never get it because I just can’t. 

Written by, 

Another Forgettable Face