The Ex-Factor 1.10.10

Dear XXXX,

I just want to let you know that I don't hate you. You did a horrible thing and I'm still trying to figure out why, but I don't hate you.

We knew each other for four years. Forget the whole 'relationship' aspect of what we became, you were my closest confident. You counseled me through some of the most difficult periods in my life. Though we were long distance, you were there more than people who made up my immediate circle. You seemed to work very hard to get me to trust you and then I do, only for you to tell me you're married with kids.

Four years. I'll never understand why you let this thing go on for that long. When the truth came out, we both said hurtful things. I meant what I said. You are a shitty person. Yes of course, some of my anger came from my own ego of having allowed someone to shit on me from a great height, once again, but there's certainly no denying that you are a shitty person. The things you said on the other hand, were lies. To say you never cared about me and the whole thing meant nothing is completely untrue and you know it. You put an awful lot of time, effort and money into someone you never cared about. It's about actions, remember and your actions showed you being a presence in my life virtually every day for those four years. You cared. Your immaturity showed when you only told the truth about your situation after I said I was over 'us'.

I'm not wearing that like a badge of honour. It certainly doesn't warm my heart to know that I thought someone else's husband was my boyfriend and genuinely cared about me. But however much you try to deny it, you did care.

I was mad for a couple of months, but I released it. The anger won't help me progress. I just have to believe that not every man is like you. Please God don't let every man be like you! I just feel sorry for you and your family for what you're doing to them. I feel guilty that all that time you'd spend on the phone with me at night, you should have been with your sons, helping them with their homework or cuddling with your wife. I hope that you're doing everything in your power to make it up to them now. It's infuriating that all the things I want (a marriage, kids), you have and are quite happily pissing all over. If I had those things, I would cherish them.

Here's the thing, I'm still heartbroken. Because I loved what I had with you and I'm sad it was all a lie. But mostly I'm heartbroken that any human can go out of their way to hurt someone like that. I'll be okay. But how do I ever trust someone again? How do I allow someone into my life and not think they'll do the same thing? Eventually I'll figure it out and I'm sure I'll spend my life with someone worthy. You on the other hand, will most likely continue to lie your way through yours and for that, I can do nothing but pity you. What a sad, sad existence you have.

I do genuinely hope that one day you man up and do what you're supposed to do.

Sincerely,
Muireann