Dearest T,

I passed by our tree the other day and smiled. The same one you tried to hide behind to make me laugh because there was no way on God's green earth you would ever be able to conceal yourself. One smile led to a laugh and an onslaught of emotion I suppressed and didn't address the day I slammed the door on you and me. Guess what? You were the love of my life. Did I ever tell you that? Yes, you were the end all and be all of my existence. I was so consumed with trying to keep my composure intact that day I didn't bother to tell you the truth which was I didn't want to let go of us.

From the moment you took exception to my indifference, I knew we would be forever. You remember that day in the cafe... I was eating lunch by myself and you sat at the table with me. I gave you the formal greeting which included every single letter of your government name. You knew something was wrong but didn't know the cause. You knew I wasn't happy but you also knew I wasn't angry either. It irked you that you didn't receive my smile. You even said so. "You didn't smile. You usually smile at me." I looked at you and acknowledged I wasn't giving you my smile. You pestered me until I had no choice but to tell you what was the matter.

It was then you learned of my past. You took me into your arms and vowed to me I didn't have to worry anymore. You became my protector. I then smothered my protector. So much so you had no choice but to stray. I expected you to mature sooner than you were supposed to. Emotionally, mentally you were too young to deal with me and my issues. In my insecurity, I placed my whole future in us instead of enjoying you as the moments were present upon us. We didn't experience the true fullness of being a couple we were meant to.

We had fun. At least I think we did. The late nights. The conversations. The sex. The sex was delicious. It was the breath of fresh air to a closed up recluse. I was wrong for expecting you to heal the wounds made by another. The fact you weren't capable of doing so caused me to become argumentative and vindictive. Hurting you so you could feel the pain I internalized when I simply could have verbalized and released it.

T, I take full responsibility for my actions in our breakup. I know when I closed the door that day I had pointed the finger at you when it should have been pointed at me equally. Yes, you did dirt, too, but it was nowhere near the soiled adventures I took us on. I should have been accountable and maybe just maybe we could have moved forward together but my pride pushed me forward and my guilt kept me from turning back because I knew most of the damage done was at my own hand. I ask you to forgive me. Forgive me for the pain and suffering I put you through. I put myself through. I put us through. It wasn't your fault as much as it was mine. Please forgive me so I may let go and let love find me once again.

Love always,
Lady K