I'm Writing Because...

...I need to feel the satisfaction of being able to press send, but not actually send.

I need to feel like someone understands what I'm going through. Like someone will read this and RELATE to me. Make me feel like I'm not totally crazy all the time.

I need someone to see through my facade. My fake face that I'm really good at. So good in fact, that no one ever knows there's something wrong with me. I'm an average girl, who lives the good life. What no one sees, or cares to see, is what's underneath my skin.

My problem? I'm worthless. Sure, maybe I'm not really. But I wake up every morning looking in the mirror thinking "great. One more day with me."

I hate myself. I hate myself for breaking up my family, for never being good enough for anyone, most definitly not me. I hate myself for being a disappointment to everyone. I'm really not even worth it.

I depend on people to hold me up. Then when they don't, or they can't I fall. And I blame. I ruin people, and I ruin myself.

I'm worthless.

Beaten.

And completely alone.

Dear You,

I hate how you come into my life at random moments. I tell my friends I'm done with you and that I'll never go back to you. But all you have to do is flash me one of your smiles or give me a look with you gorgeous blue eyes. Then from there it's all down hill.

I know you have other girls you toy around with in your own town. You make them feel special like you make me feel special. But at least you call them. At least you're there for more than a day with them before you take off. I wish I wanted the same thing you wanted, just a hookup. But the truth is it's been about six months since I've been sure I've wanted more.

I can't date anyone else because all I think about is you, which is pathetic because I know you won't love me. Ever. I miss you constantly. You told me so many things and I wanted to believe every word you said. It sounded so nice, so perfect. I still remember the night you told me you wanted to try this summer. You wanted to make it work. But I doubt that will happen.

I miss you kissing me, having your arms around me all the time. No one compares because whatever I felt with you I've never felt it before. What hurts the most, is knowing for you, I was just another girl and that it doesn't change the way I feel at all.

Love Always,
Emma

Dear Mr. Rebel,

You've made mistakes, so have I. I've always been there to support you, even when the mistakes you make frustrate me. You come across to everyone as a free sprit, as the rebel. The one who always wants to get away. I've never seen you like that. You don't mean to hurt the people you love by the things you've done, but I can't help hoping that one day you will be a little bit wiser. I don't want you to change who you are, I just want you to know the difference between right and wrong. I can't help you with that. I can't be your voice of reason anymore. That breaks my heart.

Honestly, I don't know why you want me. I'm so different from you. Adventure sometimes scares me, I would rather sit with a good book, and I love coffee. I can't climb up the face of the mountain without being terrified, I'm safest on the ground. Why did I catch your eye? You could have anyone you want, there are people waiting in line. I'm nothing special. I've just ever been your friend.

We've been through a lot together. We've helped so many people together. To say that you need to learn some lessons without me is hard. Frankly, I have to learn some lessons, too. I'm used to having people around to help me decide where I should go, what I should do, and who I should be. It's time for me to learn how to live with who I am. We both have some stuff to work on, some baggage to get rid of.

I think I want to be with you--I know I miss you when you're not with me--but I want to make sure that I'm missing YOU and not just missing the comfort you bring. I'm waiting for you to grow up and become the man that I KNOW is in there. I'm waiting until I can be confident on my own. I know I've hurt you by saying no, by guarding our friendship. I don't want to hurt you, but I know we both need to change to be healthy.

Waiting may mean that we both become strangers to one another. I hope that's not what happens, but we both will change. It this means that we will never get to even try to be more than friends, then ok. I want you to be happy. Whatever happens, believe that I will always love you. Maybe not in a romantic way, but I will always be here to encourage, comfort, and serve you any way that I can. I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope you find truth.

Love,

Waiting

Dear You,

I had found the perfect man. Even though I had known you for so little time, it was like we were meant to be together.

I saw myself marrying you. We spent countless hours awake at night, talking endlessly. I was the happiest I had ever been.

Then you told me you had to wait. Wait to be in a relationship. Wait to tell your friends about me. Wait to be with me.

I was okay with it. I told myself that patience is a virtue. I loved you, even then, enough to trust you with our future.

Things were okay at first. You still showed me that you liked me. You still talked to me as if you wanted to be with me.

Then, out of nowhere, you changed. You stopped being polite and chivalrous, which is why I noticed you in the first place.

You stopped talking to me - you only wanted me for my body, and not for my "me."

I never thought you were that kind of guy.

And the worst part is,
I still love you.

I wish things would go back the the way they were.

Love (maybe forever),
Me