Dear You,

I need to get this off my chest because I've been feeling this way for a long time now. I think you're wonderful. You make me so happy and I like who I am when I am with you. You never know what to say and I love that about you. You're goofy, and hard headed but you're also sweet and compassionate when no one's looking. You told me you liked me but I was scared and didn't know what I wanted. It's not fair because I didn't know I liked you when I could've had you and now I'm afraid it's too late. I understand if you've moved on because if I were you I probably would've too. You deserve the best because you deal with a lot and never complain, ever. You drive me crazy. You're tough on me and you always disagree with what I say but when were not together I miss you like crazy. I love that you drive me crazy and I wouldn't want it any other way. I think I might be in love with you, and if I'm not in love with you then I sure as hell could be. You're not simple. You're more than confusing and you're secretly brilliant and maybe you don't even know it. I would never want anything less than that though because you always keep me guessing and it's wonderful. You're truly wonderful and if only I could tell you to your face but I'm scared. I'm scared of everything and I'm scared of you. If I could I would run up to you right now and tell you how I feel but something inside of me just isn't brave enough. You will do fantastic things and even if I never get the courage to tell you how I feel I sure hope you know it somewhere deep down inside.

From,
me.

Dear Steven,

*sigh*

I've written many letters and have not sent them. I always say, this time I will send it. I've written them in anger, and when I've been happy. If I thought for one moment you could take it, I'd give you them all, but no. For every step we take forward, we go back five.

You were someone I really liked, and for me, that says a lot. You're everything I want or I thought wanted. You've made me grow up a lot in the last two years. I'm older than you but only in age. Me being a virgin is the only thing that has kept us friends this long. No matter how many times we tried, it never worked out that way for us.

I want you as a friend and we are slowly making our way. I hope one day I can stop thinking of you as mine, and learn to share. Until then I'm going to hate every bitch you bring around....because you're mine. Your presence calms me. Your voice makes me smile. Your happiness make me happy.

I don't like many things about you, especially the lying and half truths. I wish we had a friendship where you felt comfortable to be your whole you. One day, maybe. Or maybe it's just not meant for me, and that makes me sad.

I should've known to let go you earlier on. I mean, at one point your name was "shady ass flacky ass steve" in my phone. So I guess you showed me who you were and my dumbass looked at your potential instead. I'm living and learning, and you've been one of my biggest lessons. And I keep learning from you. One day I'll say your name and feel nothing.

Well at least that's my hope.

Signed,
Thanks for the Lesson

Dude,

I have this 34 year old stigma that has sorta disallowed me to accept that someone could actually like me. It's one of those things I could blame my mother for (one of the many, MANY things I could blame her for) but I figure that since I'm in my mid-thirties that I should really take responsibility for fixing it. And I really want to believe you're interested in me ... LAWD, I really want to. But the signs aren't nearly as blatant as I need them.

Blatant - you know, like you screaming at me about 2 inches from my face, "I LIKE YOU!" That's the blatant I need. And you're clearly not giving me blatant.

And the reason I want to know is because I'm crushing on you something awful. I can't even be bothered ... with myself! I'm totally stupid about it and the time we spend hanging out is such bitter-sweetness. Sweet because ... well, it's ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. And bitter because ... your'e not fucking giving me blatant.

I've been advised to take it slow and enjoy the ride. That, sir - has never been me. Slow does NOT equal enjoy the ride. Slow = meplayingheadgameswithmyselfoverwhetherornotyoulikeme. And hence this letter. That you'll never see.

Never.

Because my neuroses are splattered all over this here place like I'm a windshield and it's washer fluid. Sure - it wipes off, but it's always there, on the fringes. So, you seriously can't know ...

... that I laugh uproariously on the inside at every funny thing you say - and that it takes my mustering every ounce of *whateverthehellitisIuse* not to literally ROTFL with each joke

... that I pathetically check my cell phone throughout the day JUST in case you sent me a text I missed

... that I ponder seriously how to respond when you DO text - and I often times have a few drafts before I actually hit send.

... that I seriously almost throttled that other dude that was hitting on you right there in front of me and God and EVERYBODY. Or that I seriously despise him now and there's not hope for his crossing over into the friend zone. ever.

... that I keep a mental list of the things I'd buy you if we ever WERE an item.


And you really can't know that I'm not fixated on sex - it's you. The way you carry yourself. The way you speak. It's your worldview and your sense of humor ... your dedication to a goal. The person that is you attracts me ... and it feels like I'm being sucked into a vortex.

But you best believe I'm going to continue to be easy, cool and not-crazy-like whenever we spend time together. Because, dare I say it, even if you aren't feeling me at all ... It's cool that I know you and that we get to be boys. Even if we're not (marriedlivingtogehterinahugehousewithanenormouslawnandawhitepicketfence) an item.

-me