Dear B,

You hurt me. I know this is a letter that I will never send. You shall never see or sense the pain I've been going through without you. How does one go from showing love constantly to blocking his feelings in a switch? I figured there must be someone else in your life, you promised to always open up and tell me about things, but instead you ran the mile- almost like someone was shouting out "run Forest, run". You hurt me. You truly did-it's been weeks now that you've been acting the weirdest, no calls, barely a message and you would blame it on the shittiest of things and I like an idiot would believe you. I know for a fact that no matter how busy we are, we make time for the ones we love. You changed... you truly did. You are definitely not the person I knew and thought you were, you're just the opposite. 

This letter is goodbye - I don't want to see you, hear from you or feel you. You're gone. 

C

To You

I know it's been 14 years since we parted ways and divorced, the sweet empty is still there. I am 41 now and still trying to muster up the courage to move on with my life. I know you're married now with a child, there is a part of myself that still feels you with me. I hate this feeling, it's utterly embarrassing. It's the pining, the deep feelings, and the longing of the good days gone by. We were so young and crazy back then, taking every moment we had alone to make out and giggle at things no one else could understand. We even had our own "sayings" and code, I looked forward to the lengthy phone calls, and the endless love letters we sent each other via email. Being able to travel alone to see you often and feeling like a brave new girl in this great big world. They were truly the best days of my life as a young woman deeply in love. 

When we reconnected so briefly less than a few years ago, it felt so surreal, but yet, premature. My heart wanted to pour out the feelings and emotions that were locked away for so long; but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I left the exchanges short and sweet, even to the tune of my beating heart that fluttered just hearing your voice. 

I live my life the best I can day to day and try my hardest to keep in mind that our parting was for the best and that it was in the universe's plan for us not to be. In my private emotions, I miss you and think of what might've been, but in truth, it's not healthy to do so, but they are merely passing feelings that come and go. While I know we didn't have the best relationship/marriage, in memory, all I can remember are the good times, and the nights I never wanted to end. I hope someday I'll be able to heal from the void left in my heart and finally meet the love of my life someday soon. 

Sincerely, 

Me.

Mis Mejillas,

If you ever read this, I want to say I love you. I always will. The time isn't right for us. The stars never were aligned in our favor. We were polar opposites, enemies. We were the fault in our own stars. I tried to break fate for you. I told you my truth. I wanted you so badly. I am sorry I dragged you into this mess. Even though sometimes I wish I would have died all those years ago, if I did make it back to that hot October night... I would have done it differently. I would have told you that I loved you. I would have kissed you for the first and last time. Then I would have disappeared from your life.

Today I was sick. You told me you thought you saw me around every corner. Ha! I felt that way about you all last year while, you very quickly forgot about me. Always too busy. You made me cry almost everyday I went home after school. You toyed with my feelings like the child you are. You broke my heart too many times. I still let you shatter it more everyday when you hang up the phone. I just cry for a while feeling empty. I know you are probably pleased with yourself. As long as you're happy and our relationships comprehensibly neat, everything is fine. You don't care how I really feel.

I started us. I was so enamored with you. I felt like I might have exploded in my frenzy If I did not tell you at homecoming. You told me you loved me four days into when we first started dating. Now I see it was all a lie. Up until you actually begin to care about me; you told me you didn't love me anymore. I swear it was because we finally did it. I thought I would love you more. I guess I loved you so much there was nothing else for me to feel but skeptical.

I will miss the way you say my name. I will miss the sound of your adorable laugh. I will miss all the times you apologized to me even when you did nothing wrong. Every walk to Starbucks, slow dance first kiss, last kiss. I will miss the whole of you.

We had a good run. You just realized it too late. You dumped me first. I started drinking because of you. I stopped drinking because of you too. I was your usable pawn while we were just friends. I was so malleable I made my own skin crawl with my lack of integrity. I am sorry that you were angry I couldn't immediately forget. We just got back together two weeks ago. Before that I was finally beginning to be ok on my own.

I am worth more than everything you put me through. I want you to apologize. I wanted you to suffer too. Now... I just want you to be happy. Think of me when you finally go to the ocean and you are happy. Think of me with that better girl who really makes you change your mind. Thank you for being my first everything; for all the perfect moments I would never take back. I guess Tyler was wrong. We really weren't soulmates. I am still glad I tried for us anyways. I love you more than you will ever know. I only have 16 more days til summer... It will be too long without you.

Love,
Your Best Friend

I Love You, I Hate You

We never spoke
I was ashamed
But I stayed
I am stronger than you could possibly know
I’m still here
Full of rage
Waiting for you

My Reflection

Lately I have been remembering everything she did to me, it dawns on me to this day how isolated and abnormal I was.
Today I watched a new series called The Act and it made me face again how despite her actions were done in a different way, the outcome was still the same and the desire just as similar.
I am not sending this letter to talk about this, though. There is something only my closest people know: I have visions of the future.

I am not claiming to be a fortune teller by any means, no... These visions show to me as dreams.
It is widely known that dreams are the reflection of our real world, a place our worries manifest into characters and symbolism as our mind tries it's best to find a solution to our problems. For most of my life I have had these dreams that show me the way out of my issues, but it wasn't as strong and as persistent as when I was 17 years old. See... I was fed up with her abuse, I was fed up with her taking my money from the pension and not spending it on things I needed [idk... like FOOD], I was fed up with the humiliation...
One day while I was watching Vsauce DONG videos I found out about a game called Zineth, it was a skating game [which was right down my alley] made by a few grad students which won the award for the competition it was submitted to; despite the weird control scheme I was enjoying the good time it gave me.

The combination of my misery, my desire to find a way out and a video game was the Perfect Chemistry to what eventually became a cascade of dreams that screamed: GO HOME, GO LIVE YOUR LIFE!
Through these dreams I understood the disappointment she felt when I refused to be her Mssiah, I saw the beginning of my inspirations, I met my soul-mate... I went home.
Fast forwarding to now, the end of the decade... The majority of my dreams have become true, I am with the few family members that love me, I have been partners with the soul-mate of my dream for 5 years now, Daniel Kyre committed suicide [i'm sorry], Gabe the Dog passed away [when I found his name]... But the most ominous part to me, something I wasn't told until a few months ago... For some reason he had a dream, he dreamt of me... He dreamt that I would be an important piece in the game. It makes me wonder... Am I real?


-Potential Time and Space Entity

To You

This goes to the person I will never be able to say this. Whenever I thought of you, I would think of mean things for what you did, on how you treated me. I thought I'd start this letter with I hope your life had gone terribly wrong, but now do I realise that I don't want that. That I only want to get this off my chest. To finally let go of this stupid idea that it was my fault, that I was just a girl. But no. I guess we were just two people who didn't know how to handle it. And I'm not angry anymore, I'm just tired. Tired that every time I feel like telling my friend this it seems like she will accuse me of being a slut, or a bitch, or just stupid for letting myself get convinced.

Anyway, here I finish this letter, that made me realise how wrong I was, and that I need to let go of the past.

This is the letter that will never get to you, but is the letter that I will always remember. That I will always remember how it felt. How good it felt to finally stop being tired and start feeling the emotions I was scared of feeling.

From the girl who was never yours.

To My Ex,

I write this with no sarcasm, despite my sarcastic personality... I want to tell you thank you. Truth be told, you were a good first boyfriend. When we first started dating you were sweet and kind, and I knew you weren't after me to get in my pants. I was a whole head taller than you, had a good 30 lbs on you, and I didn't have sex with you until we had dated for an entire year. You were with me for me. I don't regret having sex with you, please don't get me wrong. I don't even regret the last five months of our relationship; you were graduating, I was a junior. You wanted to spend time with your friends and didn't want your girlfriend to mess with "sacred bro-time" before graduation. That's cool. I still don't understand it now. And I probably never will. You are never going to leave town. Your friends aren't ever going to leave town. Why did it matter that you had this "sacred bro-time"? I understand hanging out with the guys a couple days a week or whatever, but I saw you once a week. If I was lucky. I wouldn't have cared, you know. I just wish you would've told me what you were doing every now and then. You quit talking to me; do you remember that? Yeah... You quit that... Suddenly the guys weren't nice to me anymore and if I wanted to see you I had to choose between seeing you with them or not seeing you at all. You quit defending me. Remember the first seven months of my junior year? One of the girls you considered to be your friend made my life a living hell. She tormented me. She almost hit me with her car and spread rumors and threw stuff at me in the halls. And instead of telling her to back off you pretended I was crazy and that I didn't know what I was talking about. I told you that it wasn't working out. And you said you'd change it. You never said when. Or how. You pinky-promised that you would change, you pulled the crying card with me. I believed you and I waited for months for this change to happen because love is patient. I lost 23.2 lbs in 3 months because I got so depressed. I quit talking to my family. I was obsessed with trying to get your attention now. What had once been sweet and innocent love was now an obsessive competition where I always finished last to your friends, your job, your truck, and drinking. And then I looked in the mirror one day and the person looking back sucked. She wasn't the person I wanted to be anymore. So I got on the phone and weirdly you answered. I was crying, and you said it'd be all alright. You'd be over in a minute. I told myself I was going to dump you. I said, "You will do it with dignity. You will smile. You will say good-bye. And you will never let this happen to you again." It was my fault that I put up with it for so long. My heart knew that if you couldn't treat me better that someone else would. And it's true. I regret not listening to my heart sooner. But then again, if I had listened to my heart sooner I wouldn't be with the man I'm going to marry. So today I write you this letter that I will never send, sincerely thanking you for inadvertently teaching me to think with my heart and not with my head. For teaching me that I will never, ever be that weak again. With love, Your Ex-Girlfriend

I've Spent Some Time...

...deciding whether or not this is a good idea. I’m still not convinced it is. It is, however, the only thing I can think to do. I love you. That ‘love’ encompasses both the really close friends kind AND the romantically inclined kind. The lack of the second on your part will not affect the former on my part. I told you as much over Thanksgiving, but on the chance that it was couched in girl-speak, or misunderstood, or even, perhaps, unwelcome, I want to clarify. I acknowledge that any of these are a possibility- and if you’re not interested, hey, that’s OK. It happens. I also acknowledge that the obstacles are hardly minor. And I acknowledge that at this particular point in your life, even reading this may add to your burden of madness. If that’s so, I’m sorry. But I do have a favor to ask: until you do meet the Girl- the Real Deal- spare my heart for a little while, and don’t tell me about it. I’d love to be your girl. I like the beach when the fiery death ball is going down. You’re challenging, and brave and beautiful. I think you’re awfully excellent. Give me some time, censor these particular details- I will be quietly grateful, and I will move on. Not away from our friendship, which I value tremendously, but I’ll move past the twitterpation. But at this particular moment, in the full bore insanity and upheaval of the last two years, help me this way. (By doing this on paper that has been at the mercy of the US Postal Service, I’m giving you the option of pretending this never happened.) In any case, I want to watch you defend your thesis, bitch about grad school, be part of your support system, learn the rules of tennis, trade book recommendations, debate ALL the things and generally carry on as we have, save the above. I hope this doesn’t fuck things up.

What Happened?

We knew each other the whole summer. Then you finally decided to ask for my number. When we first started talking, I was terrified to think any good might come from this. You were, and still are, sweet, funny, shy at times, and so many other things, and I was amazed that you wanted to spend your time with me.

As the days when on, I let myself be more comfortable about you. I thought that maybe this could be different. We told each other how we felt. You liked me and I liked you, what else is there? Literally the day before, you said you couldn't wait to see me. I even went and bought a new dress. Then you didn't show up. You left me waiting for you, crying.

What happened? You said you liked me and wanted me to meet your family. We were supposed to be a good thing. I cared about you....a lot. The first time I let myself, and this is what happens. I don't regret the time we had; I just wish I knew what went wrong. I've replayed out whole relationship over and over and over, but to no avail. It doesn't help that I see you often. Everything reminds me of you. Everything. I miss you.

I wish you the best, Puffy.

Love,
Musa

I Never Thought...

...that I would be the type of person to be writing one of these letters, but then again, I never thought I would find and lose the most beautiful soul that made my life worth living. You never expect to have someone make such an impact on your life, and then when it happens, it’s the greatest feeling around. Pure Love is a beautiful thing. I never thought it would happen to me, after being hurt so many times, I thought ‘LOVE’ was only a word, something that could be phrased without meaning. I always understood that there would be problems, but I was willing to work through anything. I dare say it was my willingness that eventually killed us. By wanting to be closer I only pushed you further and further, and I regret it every day, night, pretty much any time I draw breath. I am sorry for not being strong enough to be the person you needed. I hope one day I will be strong enough to be that person.

I think of all the times that helped me realise you were my one and only. The times were we would sit across the room from each other talking to others, but I would always see you smiling at me like I was the only person in the room, times where we would be apart for either a short period or days on end, but when we saw each other, we ran to each other to embrace and hold each other so tight, that it felt like neither one of us would ever let go, and making love, intense passionate love, and knowing that it was true, these are feeling that can never be changed or replaced.

My love for you will never leave, fade or die. No matter how you live your life, where it takes you or what you do, I hope you know my love for you will always be there. Even if it means I live a long and lonely life, at least I know that I will have loved my true Love, and it has filled my heart for eternity, and even in my darkest hour, when I sit and weep wishing you were there, at least I can say that you filled my life with Love, and you were everything I ever wanted.

I love you, miss you and hope you are healing.

Dear You,

I can't say I miss you because I don't. I miss what we used to be. And who you used to be. But seeing you now, I realize that's not who you are anymore. You've changed, whether for better or worse I can't decide. Maybe it's the right thing, and we just weren't meant to last. But I think we both saw what was coming and just didn't have the courage to set it aside. Either way, there's no going back now. You made your decision.

Sure, whenever I see you around now, my heart breaks a little more, but I'm not going to let it show. I wear a smile everywhere I go, and I pretend that I'm doing just fine without you in my life. It's a lie. But you don't know it. How could you know, when you act as if you're a stranger to me?

You said you wanted us to be "just friends", and I didn't cry in front of you. I didn't yell or argue about it. I had tears in my eyes but I didn't let you see them. I turned away, nodded my understanding. You saw how you hurt me. I know you tried to be that "just friends" with me. Even after we broke up we would text or just talk. Then she came along. Now it's been months since we last talked. I don't want to
be "that girl you went out with". If I can't be what I used to at least let me be a friend. Isn't that what you wanted?

I won't deny that I miss the way you held my hand, the way you kissed me, the way you laughed. And seeing you smile and knowing it was for me: that was the best feeling of all. Now I'm forced to realize someone else has you. And that she's everything I wasn't.

I don't hold anything against either of you. I love you, and as long as you're happy I will be too. So take your time, see what you need to, find out who you want to be while you're with her. All I ask is that when you see me around, when you pretend you don't know me, and when she tells YOU she wants to be "just friends".. well, I hope in your heart you Remember.

-Me

Dear Mr. Rebel,

You've made mistakes, so have I. I've always been there to support you, even when the mistakes you make frustrate me. You come across to everyone as a free sprit, as the rebel. The one who always wants to get away. I've never seen you like that. You don't mean to hurt the people you love by the things you've done, but I can't help hoping that one day you will be a little bit wiser. I don't want you to change who you are, I just want you to know the difference between right and wrong. I can't help you with that. I can't be your voice of reason anymore. That breaks my heart.

Honestly, I don't know why you want me. I'm so different from you. Adventure sometimes scares me, I would rather sit with a good book, and I love coffee. I can't climb up the face of the mountain without being terrified, I'm safest on the ground. Why did I catch your eye? You could have anyone you want, there are people waiting in line. I'm nothing special. I've just ever been your friend.

We've been through a lot together. We've helped so many people together. To say that you need to learn some lessons without me is hard. Frankly, I have to learn some lessons, too. I'm used to having people around to help me decide where I should go, what I should do, and who I should be. It's time for me to learn how to live with who I am. We both have some stuff to work on, some baggage to get rid of.

I think I want to be with you--I know I miss you when you're not with me--but I want to make sure that I'm missing YOU and not just missing the comfort you bring. I'm waiting for you to grow up and become the man that I KNOW is in there. I'm waiting until I can be confident on my own. I know I've hurt you by saying no, by guarding our friendship. I don't want to hurt you, but I know we both need to change to be healthy.

Waiting may mean that we both become strangers to one another. I hope that's not what happens, but we both will change. It this means that we will never get to even try to be more than friends, then ok. I want you to be happy. Whatever happens, believe that I will always love you. Maybe not in a romantic way, but I will always be here to encourage, comfort, and serve you any way that I can. I hope you find what you're looking for. I hope you find truth.

Love,

Waiting

Dear Hip-Hop,

That’ s what my sister called you when you tried to give me that gift anonymously, 'memba? It’s been 3 months to the day since we last spoke amiably on the phone. Yeah, I know me and my memories. I remember what I choose to remember. I miss you so terribly, some times more than others. You were my closest friend. You loved me in spite of me, you knew just about all there is to know about me, and you loved me, never judged me.

I try to imagine forever without you and it’s hard. I remember the dreams I had of our future, and I wonder if that’s all they were, dreams. They seemed so real, as though they would one day come to pass. So now, here I am, 3 months has passed and I’m finding it hard to get over you. Really, honestly I don’t want to get over you because what I had with you, was so special to me, it stemmed deeper than any relationship I ever had. We had a wonderful foundation of friendship, and intellectual conversation. I knew you, and you knew me. I can’t even see letting anyone else in and that scares me. Scares me because I’m afraid if I don’t let anyone else in, I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I’ll never have the children I so desire.

Sometimes, I want to scream your name and tell you all what I feel and am going through. But I know there is nothing you can or have chosen to do about it.
I don’t blame you for choosing not to embrace all that I believe, I applaud your integrity to your Jah, what you believe and your convictions. I only wish that the love you claimed for me could have or would have overridden them.

I miss your arms wrapped around me, and your lips pressed against mine. I reminisce on that moment, when last I saw you, 5 months ago. I had unlocked my front door, the sun was due to come up in an hour, and you were heading back overseas in 6 hours. I knew then, it was the last time we would hold each other, the last time we would kiss each other goodbye- I knew I was going to come to my spiritual senses. We embraced, we kissed, we were face to face, and simultaneously we broke the silence by whispering, “I love you.” – I do not doubt it to this day, the only problem was, the love was not strong enough for you to change. You said yourself, it’s like we’re from two totally different worlds, and it would not be good for me to come to yours, and you couldn’t see yourself transitioning to mine. Oh, how I wish that you could have. How part of me desires to wait for you to do so. But just as the song says, “I don’t want to wait in vain for your love.”

I know I got to let you go, and at times, I believe I am. Then nights like these come, and I find myself in tears, wishing you were here. I cry in my room, and try to keep it down so no one hears me. No one knows the pain I am enduring, I imagine they think I’m over it, and I should be- that is those that know.

I just want you to know that I love you, more than those three words can express…. and I wonder if I'll ever let you go.

Kuaasi’s girl.