To Akela

Hello again

It was 6 years ago when I met you, and 5 years ago when I wanted to write to you last. Time flies. Life flies.

When we said goodbye, you told me: "Never lose your passion for the world." It's been hard, I won't lie, trying to keep myself up. It's been harder trying not to die, until very recently.

I'm medicated now. I've been through years of therapy for the trauma. Finally, I have some consistency. The depressive claws of mental illness aren't always digging into my flesh. In the last few months, when I wake up I don't want to die. It's incredible to feel like that-- that the world isnt crumbling around you and there's a future worth existing for. I'm doing so much. I'm reading again-- isn't that lovely? And I'm working on a community project and am due to start a second one soon. It's not changing the world, but it's a little bit of something that might cause a ripple effect. I'm poor now, but in a few years I'll be able to save up to maybe travel somewhere. I'm learning new things and I make a point to try new things every week. I want to do so much more; I'm going to do so much more with my life. I hope that if you hear of my projects in the future, you'd say something like "how nice!"

When I was 14 you inspired me beyond what I think you understand. I call them Lollipop moments: when an action is so utterly influential to a receiving party, but is so insignificant to the person who performed it. You showed me there is a future for dreamers. More importantly, you gave me a keepsake of tangible proof of that. "Never lose you passion for the world" came to mean so much more to me. It was a message of hope in times of great pessimism. It was a reminder that someone believed in me at one time, therefore I ought to press forward. It meant that in the darkest times, I still can love the world.

I don't think that I can ever fully thank you for this. Such a simple action, I marvel, has impacted my life in the best of ways. Thank you for telling me even once that I was a person of value. Thank you. I'd like to think that one day, once I've done what I want to, and if you were to learn about it, that I'd make you proud.

Mis Mejillas,

If you ever read this, I want to say I love you. I always will. The time isn't right for us. The stars never were aligned in our favor. We were polar opposites, enemies. We were the fault in our own stars. I tried to break fate for you. I told you my truth. I wanted you so badly. I am sorry I dragged you into this mess. Even though sometimes I wish I would have died all those years ago, if I did make it back to that hot October night... I would have done it differently. I would have told you that I loved you. I would have kissed you for the first and last time. Then I would have disappeared from your life.

Today I was sick. You told me you thought you saw me around every corner. Ha! I felt that way about you all last year while, you very quickly forgot about me. Always too busy. You made me cry almost everyday I went home after school. You toyed with my feelings like the child you are. You broke my heart too many times. I still let you shatter it more everyday when you hang up the phone. I just cry for a while feeling empty. I know you are probably pleased with yourself. As long as you're happy and our relationships comprehensibly neat, everything is fine. You don't care how I really feel.

I started us. I was so enamored with you. I felt like I might have exploded in my frenzy If I did not tell you at homecoming. You told me you loved me four days into when we first started dating. Now I see it was all a lie. Up until you actually begin to care about me; you told me you didn't love me anymore. I swear it was because we finally did it. I thought I would love you more. I guess I loved you so much there was nothing else for me to feel but skeptical.

I will miss the way you say my name. I will miss the sound of your adorable laugh. I will miss all the times you apologized to me even when you did nothing wrong. Every walk to Starbucks, slow dance first kiss, last kiss. I will miss the whole of you.

We had a good run. You just realized it too late. You dumped me first. I started drinking because of you. I stopped drinking because of you too. I was your usable pawn while we were just friends. I was so malleable I made my own skin crawl with my lack of integrity. I am sorry that you were angry I couldn't immediately forget. We just got back together two weeks ago. Before that I was finally beginning to be ok on my own.

I am worth more than everything you put me through. I want you to apologize. I wanted you to suffer too. Now... I just want you to be happy. Think of me when you finally go to the ocean and you are happy. Think of me with that better girl who really makes you change your mind. Thank you for being my first everything; for all the perfect moments I would never take back. I guess Tyler was wrong. We really weren't soulmates. I am still glad I tried for us anyways. I love you more than you will ever know. I only have 16 more days til summer... It will be too long without you.

Love,
Your Best Friend

What Happened?

We knew each other the whole summer. Then you finally decided to ask for my number. When we first started talking, I was terrified to think any good might come from this. You were, and still are, sweet, funny, shy at times, and so many other things, and I was amazed that you wanted to spend your time with me.

As the days when on, I let myself be more comfortable about you. I thought that maybe this could be different. We told each other how we felt. You liked me and I liked you, what else is there? Literally the day before, you said you couldn't wait to see me. I even went and bought a new dress. Then you didn't show up. You left me waiting for you, crying.

What happened? You said you liked me and wanted me to meet your family. We were supposed to be a good thing. I cared about you....a lot. The first time I let myself, and this is what happens. I don't regret the time we had; I just wish I knew what went wrong. I've replayed out whole relationship over and over and over, but to no avail. It doesn't help that I see you often. Everything reminds me of you. Everything. I miss you.

I wish you the best, Puffy.

Love,
Musa

Dear You,

I can't say I miss you because I don't. I miss what we used to be. And who you used to be. But seeing you now, I realize that's not who you are anymore. You've changed, whether for better or worse I can't decide. Maybe it's the right thing, and we just weren't meant to last. But I think we both saw what was coming and just didn't have the courage to set it aside. Either way, there's no going back now. You made your decision.

Sure, whenever I see you around now, my heart breaks a little more, but I'm not going to let it show. I wear a smile everywhere I go, and I pretend that I'm doing just fine without you in my life. It's a lie. But you don't know it. How could you know, when you act as if you're a stranger to me?

You said you wanted us to be "just friends", and I didn't cry in front of you. I didn't yell or argue about it. I had tears in my eyes but I didn't let you see them. I turned away, nodded my understanding. You saw how you hurt me. I know you tried to be that "just friends" with me. Even after we broke up we would text or just talk. Then she came along. Now it's been months since we last talked. I don't want to
be "that girl you went out with". If I can't be what I used to at least let me be a friend. Isn't that what you wanted?

I won't deny that I miss the way you held my hand, the way you kissed me, the way you laughed. And seeing you smile and knowing it was for me: that was the best feeling of all. Now I'm forced to realize someone else has you. And that she's everything I wasn't.

I don't hold anything against either of you. I love you, and as long as you're happy I will be too. So take your time, see what you need to, find out who you want to be while you're with her. All I ask is that when you see me around, when you pretend you don't know me, and when she tells YOU she wants to be "just friends".. well, I hope in your heart you Remember.

-Me

Dear Rory,

Do you remember when we held hands on your father's couch? This is the memory I will always cherish. I miss you.

Love,
I will always...