Dear B,

You hurt me. I know this is a letter that I will never send. You shall never see or sense the pain I've been going through without you. How does one go from showing love constantly to blocking his feelings in a switch? I figured there must be someone else in your life, you promised to always open up and tell me about things, but instead you ran the mile- almost like someone was shouting out "run Forest, run". You hurt me. You truly did-it's been weeks now that you've been acting the weirdest, no calls, barely a message and you would blame it on the shittiest of things and I like an idiot would believe you. I know for a fact that no matter how busy we are, we make time for the ones we love. You changed... you truly did. You are definitely not the person I knew and thought you were, you're just the opposite. 

This letter is goodbye - I don't want to see you, hear from you or feel you. You're gone. 

C

To You

I know it's been 14 years since we parted ways and divorced, the sweet empty is still there. I am 41 now and still trying to muster up the courage to move on with my life. I know you're married now with a child, there is a part of myself that still feels you with me. I hate this feeling, it's utterly embarrassing. It's the pining, the deep feelings, and the longing of the good days gone by. We were so young and crazy back then, taking every moment we had alone to make out and giggle at things no one else could understand. We even had our own "sayings" and code, I looked forward to the lengthy phone calls, and the endless love letters we sent each other via email. Being able to travel alone to see you often and feeling like a brave new girl in this great big world. They were truly the best days of my life as a young woman deeply in love. 

When we reconnected so briefly less than a few years ago, it felt so surreal, but yet, premature. My heart wanted to pour out the feelings and emotions that were locked away for so long; but I couldn't bring myself to do so. I left the exchanges short and sweet, even to the tune of my beating heart that fluttered just hearing your voice. 

I live my life the best I can day to day and try my hardest to keep in mind that our parting was for the best and that it was in the universe's plan for us not to be. In my private emotions, I miss you and think of what might've been, but in truth, it's not healthy to do so, but they are merely passing feelings that come and go. While I know we didn't have the best relationship/marriage, in memory, all I can remember are the good times, and the nights I never wanted to end. I hope someday I'll be able to heal from the void left in my heart and finally meet the love of my life someday soon. 

Sincerely, 

Me.

Dear Universe,

Thank you for reminding me why that particular relationship wouldn’t have worked out. I was able to deceive myself with time and distance into thinking that it could have because I allowed myself to forget how he made me feel. I could never tell if he actually cared about me, or if I was just someone he was with to pass the time. The truth hurts, but it’s a hurt that I needed to feel.

All I have ever wanted was to find a man who would love me as much as my father loves my mother. I never thought that was too much to ask for, but maybe it is. He loves her in an epic way. He would move heaven and earth for her and she would do the same for him. I want that. I’m ready for that. Tell me, why can’t I find that?

Every time I love someone, they leave me. They hurt me. Sometimes it’s more than in just the emotional sense. I don’t think that I am so desperate that I am attracted to bad people. I just want someone to love me enough that I can feel stable.

None of this really has anything to do with last night. That was me in my feelings. “I miss you” didn’t mean what I wanted it to mean. “I miss you” meant that he was bored and lonely and horny because his last relationship ended, and I was the safest option. It didn’t mean “I still love you and I want you back and please move back here, across the actual country, for me.” I wanted it to mean that because I just want someone to love me like my parents love each other. Sometimes I despair of ever being loved that way.

Please, please throw me a bone, universe. I’ve been dating since I was 15. I’m exhausted. Where is he?

Sincerely,
Heartbroken

To My Ex,

I write this with no sarcasm, despite my sarcastic personality... I want to tell you thank you. Truth be told, you were a good first boyfriend. When we first started dating you were sweet and kind, and I knew you weren't after me to get in my pants. I was a whole head taller than you, had a good 30 lbs on you, and I didn't have sex with you until we had dated for an entire year. You were with me for me. I don't regret having sex with you, please don't get me wrong. I don't even regret the last five months of our relationship; you were graduating, I was a junior. You wanted to spend time with your friends and didn't want your girlfriend to mess with "sacred bro-time" before graduation. That's cool. I still don't understand it now. And I probably never will. You are never going to leave town. Your friends aren't ever going to leave town. Why did it matter that you had this "sacred bro-time"? I understand hanging out with the guys a couple days a week or whatever, but I saw you once a week. If I was lucky. I wouldn't have cared, you know. I just wish you would've told me what you were doing every now and then. You quit talking to me; do you remember that? Yeah... You quit that... Suddenly the guys weren't nice to me anymore and if I wanted to see you I had to choose between seeing you with them or not seeing you at all. You quit defending me. Remember the first seven months of my junior year? One of the girls you considered to be your friend made my life a living hell. She tormented me. She almost hit me with her car and spread rumors and threw stuff at me in the halls. And instead of telling her to back off you pretended I was crazy and that I didn't know what I was talking about. I told you that it wasn't working out. And you said you'd change it. You never said when. Or how. You pinky-promised that you would change, you pulled the crying card with me. I believed you and I waited for months for this change to happen because love is patient. I lost 23.2 lbs in 3 months because I got so depressed. I quit talking to my family. I was obsessed with trying to get your attention now. What had once been sweet and innocent love was now an obsessive competition where I always finished last to your friends, your job, your truck, and drinking. And then I looked in the mirror one day and the person looking back sucked. She wasn't the person I wanted to be anymore. So I got on the phone and weirdly you answered. I was crying, and you said it'd be all alright. You'd be over in a minute. I told myself I was going to dump you. I said, "You will do it with dignity. You will smile. You will say good-bye. And you will never let this happen to you again." It was my fault that I put up with it for so long. My heart knew that if you couldn't treat me better that someone else would. And it's true. I regret not listening to my heart sooner. But then again, if I had listened to my heart sooner I wouldn't be with the man I'm going to marry. So today I write you this letter that I will never send, sincerely thanking you for inadvertently teaching me to think with my heart and not with my head. For teaching me that I will never, ever be that weak again. With love, Your Ex-Girlfriend

Dear You,

On the way home tonight I was listening to music, flipping through stations and being in my dad's car, I came across NPR. They were playing a beautiful song on the piano, a song that was sorrowful but reminded me of you. At first you playing the piano, then specifically of how we had long conversations about a year ago how we didn't want to ruin our friendship with a relationship.

Eventually the relationship developed, it lasted a good bit of time, and we enjoyed ourselves. I fell in love, but that's not my point, that's done with. One day you broke up with me, and I'm over that it's gone, done, and I'm over you.

However, one thing specifically stuck with me that you said. It was something like "I want us to be friends, good friends." In my mind it almost had the "like before" ring to it. Now I ask you, do you remember that? Did you mean it? Do you still mean it? Because this isn't friendship, you're not trying. And if you didn't mean it I can deal with that, but if you meant it and you are just too lazy to try, then shame on you.

Whichever way, I'm fine. I just hate it when people don't say what they mean and you of all people should know that. You know where to find me.


From,
Me

Dear You,

I can't say I miss you because I don't. I miss what we used to be. And who you used to be. But seeing you now, I realize that's not who you are anymore. You've changed, whether for better or worse I can't decide. Maybe it's the right thing, and we just weren't meant to last. But I think we both saw what was coming and just didn't have the courage to set it aside. Either way, there's no going back now. You made your decision.

Sure, whenever I see you around now, my heart breaks a little more, but I'm not going to let it show. I wear a smile everywhere I go, and I pretend that I'm doing just fine without you in my life. It's a lie. But you don't know it. How could you know, when you act as if you're a stranger to me?

You said you wanted us to be "just friends", and I didn't cry in front of you. I didn't yell or argue about it. I had tears in my eyes but I didn't let you see them. I turned away, nodded my understanding. You saw how you hurt me. I know you tried to be that "just friends" with me. Even after we broke up we would text or just talk. Then she came along. Now it's been months since we last talked. I don't want to
be "that girl you went out with". If I can't be what I used to at least let me be a friend. Isn't that what you wanted?

I won't deny that I miss the way you held my hand, the way you kissed me, the way you laughed. And seeing you smile and knowing it was for me: that was the best feeling of all. Now I'm forced to realize someone else has you. And that she's everything I wasn't.

I don't hold anything against either of you. I love you, and as long as you're happy I will be too. So take your time, see what you need to, find out who you want to be while you're with her. All I ask is that when you see me around, when you pretend you don't know me, and when she tells YOU she wants to be "just friends".. well, I hope in your heart you Remember.

-Me

Dear Rory,

Do you remember when we held hands on your father's couch? This is the memory I will always cherish. I miss you.

Love,
I will always...

Dear Hip-Hop,

That’ s what my sister called you when you tried to give me that gift anonymously, 'memba? It’s been 3 months to the day since we last spoke amiably on the phone. Yeah, I know me and my memories. I remember what I choose to remember. I miss you so terribly, some times more than others. You were my closest friend. You loved me in spite of me, you knew just about all there is to know about me, and you loved me, never judged me.

I try to imagine forever without you and it’s hard. I remember the dreams I had of our future, and I wonder if that’s all they were, dreams. They seemed so real, as though they would one day come to pass. So now, here I am, 3 months has passed and I’m finding it hard to get over you. Really, honestly I don’t want to get over you because what I had with you, was so special to me, it stemmed deeper than any relationship I ever had. We had a wonderful foundation of friendship, and intellectual conversation. I knew you, and you knew me. I can’t even see letting anyone else in and that scares me. Scares me because I’m afraid if I don’t let anyone else in, I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. I’ll never have the children I so desire.

Sometimes, I want to scream your name and tell you all what I feel and am going through. But I know there is nothing you can or have chosen to do about it.
I don’t blame you for choosing not to embrace all that I believe, I applaud your integrity to your Jah, what you believe and your convictions. I only wish that the love you claimed for me could have or would have overridden them.

I miss your arms wrapped around me, and your lips pressed against mine. I reminisce on that moment, when last I saw you, 5 months ago. I had unlocked my front door, the sun was due to come up in an hour, and you were heading back overseas in 6 hours. I knew then, it was the last time we would hold each other, the last time we would kiss each other goodbye- I knew I was going to come to my spiritual senses. We embraced, we kissed, we were face to face, and simultaneously we broke the silence by whispering, “I love you.” – I do not doubt it to this day, the only problem was, the love was not strong enough for you to change. You said yourself, it’s like we’re from two totally different worlds, and it would not be good for me to come to yours, and you couldn’t see yourself transitioning to mine. Oh, how I wish that you could have. How part of me desires to wait for you to do so. But just as the song says, “I don’t want to wait in vain for your love.”

I know I got to let you go, and at times, I believe I am. Then nights like these come, and I find myself in tears, wishing you were here. I cry in my room, and try to keep it down so no one hears me. No one knows the pain I am enduring, I imagine they think I’m over it, and I should be- that is those that know.

I just want you to know that I love you, more than those three words can express…. and I wonder if I'll ever let you go.

Kuaasi’s girl.

Dear E:

I have a hard time telling people who you are. I can't really describe you as my ex, because you never will admit we loved each other. Maybe WE didn't. But I sure loved you. I can't descibe you as just a friend, because you were so much more than that. So most of the time, I just describe you as 'the boy who broke my heart'. I know, it's cheesy and campy and cliche, but it's true. So I hope you understand when I say that I am having a very hard time feeling sorry for you now that you are the one with a broken heart.

True, I was nice and chatted with you. True, I tried to cheer you up. I don't even know if your heart was broken, entirely. But I know you wanted him SO BAD. In your mind, he was totally your type: both of you big and manly and muscular and in the medical field, both of you looking for something stable to get you through your two years on the island. So it hurt, didn't it, when you saw him kissing that younger, browner, cuter boy? When you heard that he had said you were 'not his type'? When you realized he had rejected you without so much as letting you know?

You remember how you got all excited when he finally FINALLY agreed to go on a date with you? You nerviously got dressed, did your hair up good, got ready to impress the hell out of him... only to be sorely disappointed at the outcome of the night. Not even a good night kiss! How could something that you had pictured so perfect in your mind go so wrong so fast?

Does any of this sound like exactly what happened a year ago? Let me rewind the reel for you, back up to before you or I came out.

I remember a depressed, confused boy who lived in the body of a beast, a boy searching for someone to listen to him and help him figure himself out. Someone to love him and tell him it was OK to be this boy-beast who loved other men and wanted to be loved back by them. I remember writing letters back and forth in a fury, both of us struggling to express who we were and what we wanted out of life and love. I remember doing this for MONTHS, being your sole confidant. I remember it progressing to "I love you" and flirtatious texts and thoughtful deeds. I remember that I loved you before you were skinny, before you turned heads, before you moved to the big city and had a circle of hot friends around you that you felt you needed to fit in with and started shedding pounds and morals. I loved you when you were confused and hurting and needing someone to love you. All I ever wanted was for you to love me back, and I thought you did.

And then came the summer, and the much-anticipated visit, and the dance on the beach, and clothes coming off the instant your parents walked out the door every day and shushing each other at night so we didn't wake them in the other room. It was the best four days of my life up until that week, and I was in heaven. I thought I had found you, that I had my one. I went home, head in the clouds, thinking things were going to continue like they had for 6 months.

I was so wrong. The utter silence that followed was a million times worse than if you had just slapped my face and told me you hated me. Weeks I waited to hear from you, forced myself to not write, to not bother you. And as time wore on, my love for you ebbed and was replaced by hurt and anger. And when I finally wrote you, broken hearted and finished, all I needed was notice that you had moved on, not a letter telling me you were tired of me.

So I hope you can understand, dear E, why I told you I loved you and always would. And I hope you can understand why I was so happy to hear that your heart had been stomped on by a man much hotter than you. Maybe now you can understand what you did to me, how you took my hope and desires for something good and something that seemed perfect and tossed them to the side like they didn't matter at all.

I don't want your love anymore. I moved past that. I will always love you, I wasn't lying when I said that. All I want from you are two words: I'm Sorry. Before this happened, it wouldn't have meant much, just that you were sorry you had done something you maybe shouldn't have. Now, though, it will mean so much more because you know how it hurts and you will be sorry because you caused ME that pain, because you did that to ME. And maybe it will show you how much I cared about you, to be able to talk to you while you were down about it... and not kick you.

I doubt you'll ever say you're sorry. That's ok, because I doubt this is a letter I'll ever send.

I love you, and I always will,
D

Dearest T,

I passed by our tree the other day and smiled. The same one you tried to hide behind to make me laugh because there was no way on God's green earth you would ever be able to conceal yourself. One smile led to a laugh and an onslaught of emotion I suppressed and didn't address the day I slammed the door on you and me. Guess what? You were the love of my life. Did I ever tell you that? Yes, you were the end all and be all of my existence. I was so consumed with trying to keep my composure intact that day I didn't bother to tell you the truth which was I didn't want to let go of us.

From the moment you took exception to my indifference, I knew we would be forever. You remember that day in the cafe... I was eating lunch by myself and you sat at the table with me. I gave you the formal greeting which included every single letter of your government name. You knew something was wrong but didn't know the cause. You knew I wasn't happy but you also knew I wasn't angry either. It irked you that you didn't receive my smile. You even said so. "You didn't smile. You usually smile at me." I looked at you and acknowledged I wasn't giving you my smile. You pestered me until I had no choice but to tell you what was the matter.

It was then you learned of my past. You took me into your arms and vowed to me I didn't have to worry anymore. You became my protector. I then smothered my protector. So much so you had no choice but to stray. I expected you to mature sooner than you were supposed to. Emotionally, mentally you were too young to deal with me and my issues. In my insecurity, I placed my whole future in us instead of enjoying you as the moments were present upon us. We didn't experience the true fullness of being a couple we were meant to.

We had fun. At least I think we did. The late nights. The conversations. The sex. The sex was delicious. It was the breath of fresh air to a closed up recluse. I was wrong for expecting you to heal the wounds made by another. The fact you weren't capable of doing so caused me to become argumentative and vindictive. Hurting you so you could feel the pain I internalized when I simply could have verbalized and released it.

T, I take full responsibility for my actions in our breakup. I know when I closed the door that day I had pointed the finger at you when it should have been pointed at me equally. Yes, you did dirt, too, but it was nowhere near the soiled adventures I took us on. I should have been accountable and maybe just maybe we could have moved forward together but my pride pushed me forward and my guilt kept me from turning back because I knew most of the damage done was at my own hand. I ask you to forgive me. Forgive me for the pain and suffering I put you through. I put myself through. I put us through. It wasn't your fault as much as it was mine. Please forgive me so I may let go and let love find me once again.

Love always,
Lady K

Dear Steven,

*sigh*

I've written many letters and have not sent them. I always say, this time I will send it. I've written them in anger, and when I've been happy. If I thought for one moment you could take it, I'd give you them all, but no. For every step we take forward, we go back five.

You were someone I really liked, and for me, that says a lot. You're everything I want or I thought wanted. You've made me grow up a lot in the last two years. I'm older than you but only in age. Me being a virgin is the only thing that has kept us friends this long. No matter how many times we tried, it never worked out that way for us.

I want you as a friend and we are slowly making our way. I hope one day I can stop thinking of you as mine, and learn to share. Until then I'm going to hate every bitch you bring around....because you're mine. Your presence calms me. Your voice makes me smile. Your happiness make me happy.

I don't like many things about you, especially the lying and half truths. I wish we had a friendship where you felt comfortable to be your whole you. One day, maybe. Or maybe it's just not meant for me, and that makes me sad.

I should've known to let go you earlier on. I mean, at one point your name was "shady ass flacky ass steve" in my phone. So I guess you showed me who you were and my dumbass looked at your potential instead. I'm living and learning, and you've been one of my biggest lessons. And I keep learning from you. One day I'll say your name and feel nothing.

Well at least that's my hope.

Signed,
Thanks for the Lesson

The Ex-Factor 1.10.10

Dear XXXX,

I just want to let you know that I don't hate you. You did a horrible thing and I'm still trying to figure out why, but I don't hate you.

We knew each other for four years. Forget the whole 'relationship' aspect of what we became, you were my closest confident. You counseled me through some of the most difficult periods in my life. Though we were long distance, you were there more than people who made up my immediate circle. You seemed to work very hard to get me to trust you and then I do, only for you to tell me you're married with kids.

Four years. I'll never understand why you let this thing go on for that long. When the truth came out, we both said hurtful things. I meant what I said. You are a shitty person. Yes of course, some of my anger came from my own ego of having allowed someone to shit on me from a great height, once again, but there's certainly no denying that you are a shitty person. The things you said on the other hand, were lies. To say you never cared about me and the whole thing meant nothing is completely untrue and you know it. You put an awful lot of time, effort and money into someone you never cared about. It's about actions, remember and your actions showed you being a presence in my life virtually every day for those four years. You cared. Your immaturity showed when you only told the truth about your situation after I said I was over 'us'.

I'm not wearing that like a badge of honour. It certainly doesn't warm my heart to know that I thought someone else's husband was my boyfriend and genuinely cared about me. But however much you try to deny it, you did care.

I was mad for a couple of months, but I released it. The anger won't help me progress. I just have to believe that not every man is like you. Please God don't let every man be like you! I just feel sorry for you and your family for what you're doing to them. I feel guilty that all that time you'd spend on the phone with me at night, you should have been with your sons, helping them with their homework or cuddling with your wife. I hope that you're doing everything in your power to make it up to them now. It's infuriating that all the things I want (a marriage, kids), you have and are quite happily pissing all over. If I had those things, I would cherish them.

Here's the thing, I'm still heartbroken. Because I loved what I had with you and I'm sad it was all a lie. But mostly I'm heartbroken that any human can go out of their way to hurt someone like that. I'll be okay. But how do I ever trust someone again? How do I allow someone into my life and not think they'll do the same thing? Eventually I'll figure it out and I'm sure I'll spend my life with someone worthy. You on the other hand, will most likely continue to lie your way through yours and for that, I can do nothing but pity you. What a sad, sad existence you have.

I do genuinely hope that one day you man up and do what you're supposed to do.

Sincerely,
Muireann

The Ex-Factor 6.21.07

Welcome to my new site; How better to kick off this launch than with the letter I wrote that started it all, way back when I was still infatuated with a certain ex. Ladies and gentleman, for your reading pleasure...

------------

Dear D,

I'm not really even sure why I'm writing this. Maybe because I dwell on shit too much, unable to forgive or forget or let things go, even when I know that what went down between us was for the best, and I'm not looking to be in a long-term relationship with you (or anyone) anymore.

But I liked being the center of your world, the most important person in your life. Okay, maybe that's a bit much, a tad dramatic, but you know what I mean. You'd drop whatever and turn your whole schedule upside down to accommodate mine. Anything I wanted, needed- there you were with it. I got a little spoiled. I warned you not to do that, not to let me get comfortable, not to be so damn nice to me.

Did I ever even thank you? I can be so selfish sometimes. I never even said "I Love You" until after it was over and we were just friends. Because it's easy for me to say "I Love You" to a friend; that's old hat, second nature. But to say it to someone I'm dating? Why would I do that? Why would I let the guy I'm dating know how much he means to me? I'd never give anybody that much ammunition against me...

So our split was right. Justified. I was closed off. You were not ready. We were a hot ghetto mess together.

But sometimes when we talk, hang out, whatever, I can still see what drew me to you. Your piercing eyes...like they're looking right into me. Your energy, so bright and full of life; never a dull moment with you around. The way you still look out for me, genuine goodness and thoughtfulness...what's that about? Why can't you just be a dick so I can hate you?

But alas, you're such a dear. And I'm glad you're still in my life. My id would prefer it if you still had me on that pedestal, and my ego tries hard to re-create that experience for me everyday, but my superego understands that things worked out for the best for everybody involved.

Still, know that in a moment of weakness or drunken abandon (or sobriety...it really doesn't matter; any moment would do), my id would not kick you out of bed. Because on top of everything else, it was that good.