its literally 10:05pm,

i honestly don’t know if you’re ever going to read this but if you are, well...  

do you remember when we were at EK's party when we we’re sitting by her pool and somehow the conversation of who had a crush on you popped up and i said “everyone has a little baby crush on you” i was a part of everyone. ew wait that sounds weird but you know what i mean. 

i wasn’t honest with you when you asked me when i started liking you i told you it was at the zoo but it had been there i just never acted on it because we're completely different (yet the same in so many ways) so i never expected things to turn out the way it did. having spent that much time with you before and the little after we graduated just made me so happy to get to know you. and as the days went on i let myself be more comfortable with you and to my surprise it didn’t take me long (at all). 

i just realized now that i never really responded to what you said and that i just thought it in my head. you said you just “needed a friend for right now” and i might’ve seemed so calm on the outside but i told myself that as long as i could just be around you i would be ok that’s all i needed that’s where i was wrong. driving home from Dil’s house that day after having spent what 4-5 hours after you telling me that, i was a wreck. but also that very same day at the park you asked me about CJ which i get he was a part of my life for about 4-5 years and it was a very painful period where i had to learn a lot of things i did and didn’t want to learn. i told you that “i was coerced into a lot of things i didn’t want to do” and i never really went into detail about what happened and to be frank with you i wasn’t ready to talk about any of it to anyone especially you because i didn’t want to see a change in the way that you looked at me. i will tell you one day but just not right now. but i will tell you this i thought i was in love and the more i think about it i wasn’t i was just some little girl that hadn’t grown up. 

i can’t say i don’t miss you because i do. i just miss being around you and your goofy little laugh. you brought peace into my life i never thought i would get. 

some days i’m okay without you but some days like today you just can’t seem to leave my mind and i find myself in tears, wishing you were here next to me. but i respect your decision, take as much time as you need, i’m willing to wait or if you meet someone else on the way that’s fine too just don’t be scared to tell me, i will not hold anything against you. i don’t regret any of it and i’m acting like i’m grieving and that i’m never going to see you again which is weird because everything i do literally reminds me of you god this sounds so cringe now that i’m typing all this out. but waiting may mean that we both stray away from one another but i’m happy as long as you are. 

from, 

 dearest

Dear Universe,

Thank you for reminding me why that particular relationship wouldn’t have worked out. I was able to deceive myself with time and distance into thinking that it could have because I allowed myself to forget how he made me feel. I could never tell if he actually cared about me, or if I was just someone he was with to pass the time. The truth hurts, but it’s a hurt that I needed to feel.

All I have ever wanted was to find a man who would love me as much as my father loves my mother. I never thought that was too much to ask for, but maybe it is. He loves her in an epic way. He would move heaven and earth for her and she would do the same for him. I want that. I’m ready for that. Tell me, why can’t I find that?

Every time I love someone, they leave me. They hurt me. Sometimes it’s more than in just the emotional sense. I don’t think that I am so desperate that I am attracted to bad people. I just want someone to love me enough that I can feel stable.

None of this really has anything to do with last night. That was me in my feelings. “I miss you” didn’t mean what I wanted it to mean. “I miss you” meant that he was bored and lonely and horny because his last relationship ended, and I was the safest option. It didn’t mean “I still love you and I want you back and please move back here, across the actual country, for me.” I wanted it to mean that because I just want someone to love me like my parents love each other. Sometimes I despair of ever being loved that way.

Please, please throw me a bone, universe. I’ve been dating since I was 15. I’m exhausted. Where is he?

Sincerely,
Heartbroken

I've Spent Some Time...

...deciding whether or not this is a good idea. I’m still not convinced it is. It is, however, the only thing I can think to do. I love you. That ‘love’ encompasses both the really close friends kind AND the romantically inclined kind. The lack of the second on your part will not affect the former on my part. I told you as much over Thanksgiving, but on the chance that it was couched in girl-speak, or misunderstood, or even, perhaps, unwelcome, I want to clarify. I acknowledge that any of these are a possibility- and if you’re not interested, hey, that’s OK. It happens. I also acknowledge that the obstacles are hardly minor. And I acknowledge that at this particular point in your life, even reading this may add to your burden of madness. If that’s so, I’m sorry. But I do have a favor to ask: until you do meet the Girl- the Real Deal- spare my heart for a little while, and don’t tell me about it. I’d love to be your girl. I like the beach when the fiery death ball is going down. You’re challenging, and brave and beautiful. I think you’re awfully excellent. Give me some time, censor these particular details- I will be quietly grateful, and I will move on. Not away from our friendship, which I value tremendously, but I’ll move past the twitterpation. But at this particular moment, in the full bore insanity and upheaval of the last two years, help me this way. (By doing this on paper that has been at the mercy of the US Postal Service, I’m giving you the option of pretending this never happened.) In any case, I want to watch you defend your thesis, bitch about grad school, be part of your support system, learn the rules of tennis, trade book recommendations, debate ALL the things and generally carry on as we have, save the above. I hope this doesn’t fuck things up.

Dear Best Guy "Friend,"

I was obsessed with you last year and then realized I never had a chance with you so I let go. Now I have moved on to someone else. But I really never have moved on or stopped liking you. Today I have a another man named WR that loves me a lot and always has since he came to this school. But I am still not happy. You always say that I am your closest girl friend but I am just known as your "friend". I go to sleep every night thinking about you and wishing that you liked me. All my friends say that I am so lucky because I have a guy that loves me (WR) and I love him back but I don't know if I want him anymore. I still want you.

You are always there for me whenever I need you. I remember when all of my friends turned against me, you were there for me and let me cry on your shoulder. You gave me a hug stood up for me and were on my side and told me that you were there for me. I don't know if you remember that but that was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I know that I could never get you because you are way too good for me. All of my friends say that I flirt with you too much and they tell me to back off but they don't know that I like you and have always had feelings for you since you came here. I love you. I will never tell you or any of my friends that I do love you because I know that WR would be heartbroken and that our friendship would be ruined. And you would not hang out with me anymore. That would just suck ass. I love you and I know that you "love me" too as a friend. It is hard to resist whenever I am with you though. I just had to let out all my feelings. I will NEVER send this.

Love,
Your Best Girl "Friend"