Dad, You Died So Suddenly

Well, Dad,
I got a call eight-thirtyish this morning, and it turns out you had died last night. Your heart stopped. Of course you were 86-years-old, and on dialysis, so it shouldn't have been a surprise, and yet it was. You did warn me in the days leading up to today that you felt you would not last much longer, but then, I suppose I had numbed myself to your words. I didn't want to deal with the implications of what that meant, couldn't deal with it emotionally.

After spending a full day with that knowledge, I still find that I can only deal with your death in short little bursts. I don't think I can let it all out all at once. The mourning will have to come out in little dribs and drabs. I can't deal with anything stronger.

I feel guilty that I was not kinder to you in the past few months. It's true what people say, that you regret what you did not do, not what you did do.

I want to thank you for calling me last Friday to and that you asked me to do something, something that I could do, so that the last time we saw each other was an amicable meeting. I want to thank you for leaving me the best memento you could have left me, a dog whom you loved dearly. I love him dearly, too, and your dog (my dog now) provides me with so much comfort and helps me to dull the pain. It's as if you did not leave me, and I can continue to provide you with some service.

I am so glad I took the dog with me when I saw you Friday. Fate was very, very kind to me to have given me that memory.

Your daughter

Dear Mom,

I wanna say I miss you. I miss you so bad with everything that I am, with parts that I didn't know existed inside of me before. I wanna apologise also because I didn't tell you that I love & appreciate you when you were still here. Now I regret every second not spent with you.

Every night dear mom you come to my mind and tears run down on my face, I have no control over it. Sometimes I get confused how life works... only good people leave, only good people get hurt, only good people have bad luck. What is the point?! I mean I'm sorry but how does it work exactly! 

After you passed away everything changed. Everything... my sister and I aren't the same anymore, we lost love we lost home we lost our connection. My dad... I never saw him that sad. He lost his support and happiness. I catch him most of the time crying and my soul breaks into billion of pieces. Mom you left and you took everything with you. It's so hard!

I still remember how you always used to tell me "this too shall pass" during hard times. That was your motto! You had such a big faith I was never able to understand back then... now I got it, thanks to you and all what you thought me. I survived! I am still breathing and able to smile after the biggest loss of my entire life. You! God I wish I could hug you one more time, for seconds only... or just look at you and see you looking back, or just talk to you. I'm still in need of you mom, I was never ready to lose you & will never be. I never actually expected to witness your death and earn this broken heart though, but it happened.

But you know... as much as I suffer here without you I just wish you're up there in a better place. That's all I wish. I can take the pain of your absence, I can keep going with a miserable life as long as you're somewhere better & happier. And I keep praying to God that You are.

 Rest in peace dear mom. I love you!