To Anyone,

I don’t know if someone actually reads these once published. Sometimes I’m on the top of the world and ready to live my life. And then all that goes to shit because my parents or someone else mess with that feeling. Whether it’s my mother demanding personal issues or information about others. Or my father threatens to abandon one of my family members in parking lots because he’s angry. Or maybe just someone tells me I’m annoying and they don’t want to be around me anymore. 

I don’t like living sometimes. I want anything and everything a normal person has but I can’t. One day I’d like a healthy romantic relationship with literally anyone. But I just can’t do or feel anything truly romantic. It just feels weird or wrong, like I’m not supposed to be there and there’s definitely something better for the other person. You want what you can never have I suppose. 

I feel used sometimes. I’m not an older sister anymore because I’m treated like a nanny or substitute mother. I don’t remember what I’ve done for the past 7 years anymore. I don’t know what I want anymore. I wish I felt normal. I don’t want to do anything. What the hell is wrong with me. 

One day I’m going to die and I won’t be remembered because I’ve done nothing and I don’t have friends who will remember me after a few years. It’s like I’m floating in space and can’t do anything because I don’t want to. I stare at literally anyone and their lives are so lived through already, but mine I can’t remember. I want what they have, but I’ll never get it because I just can’t. 

Written by, 

Another Forgettable Face

Have You?

Too often do I want to go back to the past...When it was easier to deal with things because I had people around me who didn't judge, who knew how to be a friend even when I didn't... Who knew how to love me and appreciate me when I hated myself so much I couldn't stand to look myself in the mirror.

Have you ever been So unhappy with the way you let yourself go?

So pissed at your genes for not making you perfect, skinny and beautiful?

Ever loved someone so much that even when he hit you or cheated on you, stole from you or lied to u it was okay because in your own mind you thought no one else could ever love you?

Ever been so afraid to walk down the halls of school because so many people hated you for the stupid shit you did when you weren't thinking?

Ever done so many drugs because it was the cool thing to do with your group that you didn't even know you you were? Because you didn't want to be you?

Ever been in love with two people at the same time that happened to be best friends? Been the reason you break up a lifelong friendship because you were too selfish and immature to make the right decision? To walk away?

Ever physically harm yourself in places no one cares to look because life just seemed to never get better? That the pain released the pain?

Isolate yourself to the point that literally every person in your life has no real idea of who you are?

do you ever feel physically sick because you know you're not good enough for anyone and can't do anything right, no matter how hard you try?

Acted like such a hardass so people have no idea how broken you truly are inside?

Hate yourself because you can't even explain why you're such a bitch all of the time? Been so exhausted of using "just tired" as an excuse to not let anyone into your fucked up head?

Ever been to the point of feeling like you're taking your last breath because you're too young and clueless to realize having an abusive boyfriend isn't okay?

Stolen because it gives you some sort of high?

Lie so much to your family that you yourself can't tell them apart from the truth?

Found every opportunity to have sex because that was the only time you could drift away from the war inside your head?

How many times in your life have you not wanted to be you?

How many times have you cried yourself to sleep?

When was the last time you truly smiled and laughed and enjoyed yourself?

When was the last time you woke up and were happy to be you?

I know people have it a lot worse then me, I'm not trying to out suck anyone... I just don't know how to be happy. I don't know the last time I was ever honestly happy with my life. I don't know anything...

Does anyone truly know who you are?

What you've done?

How many people you've hurt?

How many people have hurt you?

If you knew the secrets inside my head you wouldn’t look at me the same...

I hate myself every day I wake up because I know I'm useless to everyone around me, how could anyone love me when I don't even know how to love myself?

I'm nothing.

I'm no one.

I'm alone.

To Akela

Hello again

It was 6 years ago when I met you, and 5 years ago when I wanted to write to you last. Time flies. Life flies.

When we said goodbye, you told me: "Never lose your passion for the world." It's been hard, I won't lie, trying to keep myself up. It's been harder trying not to die, until very recently.

I'm medicated now. I've been through years of therapy for the trauma. Finally, I have some consistency. The depressive claws of mental illness aren't always digging into my flesh. In the last few months, when I wake up I don't want to die. It's incredible to feel like that-- that the world isnt crumbling around you and there's a future worth existing for. I'm doing so much. I'm reading again-- isn't that lovely? And I'm working on a community project and am due to start a second one soon. It's not changing the world, but it's a little bit of something that might cause a ripple effect. I'm poor now, but in a few years I'll be able to save up to maybe travel somewhere. I'm learning new things and I make a point to try new things every week. I want to do so much more; I'm going to do so much more with my life. I hope that if you hear of my projects in the future, you'd say something like "how nice!"

When I was 14 you inspired me beyond what I think you understand. I call them Lollipop moments: when an action is so utterly influential to a receiving party, but is so insignificant to the person who performed it. You showed me there is a future for dreamers. More importantly, you gave me a keepsake of tangible proof of that. "Never lose you passion for the world" came to mean so much more to me. It was a message of hope in times of great pessimism. It was a reminder that someone believed in me at one time, therefore I ought to press forward. It meant that in the darkest times, I still can love the world.

I don't think that I can ever fully thank you for this. Such a simple action, I marvel, has impacted my life in the best of ways. Thank you for telling me even once that I was a person of value. Thank you. I'd like to think that one day, once I've done what I want to, and if you were to learn about it, that I'd make you proud.

My Reflection

Lately I have been remembering everything she did to me, it dawns on me to this day how isolated and abnormal I was.
Today I watched a new series called The Act and it made me face again how despite her actions were done in a different way, the outcome was still the same and the desire just as similar.
I am not sending this letter to talk about this, though. There is something only my closest people know: I have visions of the future.

I am not claiming to be a fortune teller by any means, no... These visions show to me as dreams.
It is widely known that dreams are the reflection of our real world, a place our worries manifest into characters and symbolism as our mind tries it's best to find a solution to our problems. For most of my life I have had these dreams that show me the way out of my issues, but it wasn't as strong and as persistent as when I was 17 years old. See... I was fed up with her abuse, I was fed up with her taking my money from the pension and not spending it on things I needed [idk... like FOOD], I was fed up with the humiliation...
One day while I was watching Vsauce DONG videos I found out about a game called Zineth, it was a skating game [which was right down my alley] made by a few grad students which won the award for the competition it was submitted to; despite the weird control scheme I was enjoying the good time it gave me.

The combination of my misery, my desire to find a way out and a video game was the Perfect Chemistry to what eventually became a cascade of dreams that screamed: GO HOME, GO LIVE YOUR LIFE!
Through these dreams I understood the disappointment she felt when I refused to be her Mssiah, I saw the beginning of my inspirations, I met my soul-mate... I went home.
Fast forwarding to now, the end of the decade... The majority of my dreams have become true, I am with the few family members that love me, I have been partners with the soul-mate of my dream for 5 years now, Daniel Kyre committed suicide [i'm sorry], Gabe the Dog passed away [when I found his name]... But the most ominous part to me, something I wasn't told until a few months ago... For some reason he had a dream, he dreamt of me... He dreamt that I would be an important piece in the game. It makes me wonder... Am I real?


-Potential Time and Space Entity

I'm Writing Because...

...I need to feel the satisfaction of being able to press send, but not actually send.

I need to feel like someone understands what I'm going through. Like someone will read this and RELATE to me. Make me feel like I'm not totally crazy all the time.

I need someone to see through my facade. My fake face that I'm really good at. So good in fact, that no one ever knows there's something wrong with me. I'm an average girl, who lives the good life. What no one sees, or cares to see, is what's underneath my skin.

My problem? I'm worthless. Sure, maybe I'm not really. But I wake up every morning looking in the mirror thinking "great. One more day with me."

I hate myself. I hate myself for breaking up my family, for never being good enough for anyone, most definitly not me. I hate myself for being a disappointment to everyone. I'm really not even worth it.

I depend on people to hold me up. Then when they don't, or they can't I fall. And I blame. I ruin people, and I ruin myself.

I'm worthless.

Beaten.

And completely alone.

Dear So-Called Friends,

I now understand why I didn't want to pursue a friendship with you guys anymore... You make me feel like crap. I don't like being treated as the third wheel. Just because I may do things that you don't agree with doesn't give you the right to talk about me in the next room when I can hear you. Yea I may be spending a lot of time with my fiance but let me give you a clue why. One he listens and doesn't judge me like you do. Two he makes me feel wanted and loved unlike you guys. I don't care if you don't like him. I love him and that's all that matters.

Also you guys can be fun to hang out with sometimes but when other people are included my fiance and I end up being the third wheel. Were sick of it, high school ended 5 years ago grow up and treat us with respect. Oh and that trip you took up to Sandusky made us feel like crap. We don't want to see status updates about how much fun your having we could care less. My fiance and I would have at least loved an invitation to join you, but apparently we're not good enough for you.

On another note no I haven't forgiven you for what you did to me in high school. Always being the third wheel and being talked down to was not okay. My first year of college I went through depression and where were you? Oh that's right nowhere to be found. I was at the lowest moment of my life and you couldn't even call me. I tried calling you but you were too busy for me. I hope you know I cried myself to sleep every night I was there I hope that makes you feel better about yourself. At that point everyone left me, and when I came back you still weren't there. I guess I expected too much from you guys. I'm pretty much over my depression now thanks to the love and patience of my fiance, but it always seems to come back when your around.

I'd just like to say this to you, I'm done. If you want to get angry at me over stupid crap go right ahead, if you want to judge me or my fiance go for it. We're happy together and we have found meaning in our lives. We're tired of your crap. And no longer value your opinion. I hope you grow up soon.

Were going to go look for better friends now...

Sincerely,
Bitter

Dear Tiffany,

You are not OK. You haven't been OK for a long time now. The faster you accept it, the sooner you can move forward and get the help you need.

Standing at the threshold of your 28th year is the time where you should be taking a look around and figuring out your options.

While no one expects you to put the rest of your life together you should have some idea of where you're headed and some way of getting there.

Thus far, life has been fairly easy for you. You've managed to meet all the goals you set as a clueless teenager from Podunk, North Carolina.

While most people would see being the first in your family to graduate from college, doing it early, working in your career field and managing to break the family cycle of children out of wedlock, you have managed to convince yourself that you are a failure.

You've taken life's little setbacks and turned them into valleys so deep that light can't get through.

Thus far, you've been able to compartmentalize and shake off depression in order to complete minimal tasks. But as of late, you lack of focus, inability to concentrate and unwillingness to leave your bed on weekends and face it, some weekdays, has started to frighten your family, your friends and most of all yourself.

Depression is an evil bitch that you don't have to fight alone. All you have to do is ask for help. If not for your family and friends, do it for yourself. They don't deserve to watch you suffer and neither do you.

How many more days can you go without making eye contact with yourself in the mirror? How many more nights can you go with only two hours of sleep, if you get any at all?

I'm begging you, please, talk to somebody. This time, don't just make the appointment with the therapist, go. Hell, go early. You're fucking up and this ain't you. #fixit

Love,
Yourself

Dear Lil Sis,

How do I even start this letter? How do I find the words to tell you, little sister, it was NOT your fault. None of it was ever your fault.

In the last few months you've been sad and spiraling into the curse that has plagued our family for years...depression, and I know you see it, too. So let's talk this out starting with our Father. Yes I know you would like to paint a rosy picture of what life would have been if he was around but that's because you were too young to remember him and his trifling ways.

No he never hit mommy or cursed at her; he tried to break her emotionally. And I'm sure in private she had her moments but then she looked at us and knew it wasn't worth it. HE wasn't worth it. Our mother chose to raise us. She wasn't abandoned as so many single moms are. She called to her ancestors, her father long passed away and she prayed for strength and they delivered her and US. Though a crucial part of our lives was without the daily presence of a father, we were 10 times luckier to have a mother that moved mountains. We were afforded opportunities that other kids never would have had.

Take a minute and look back on our lives: you were 10 years old in Hawaii, a featured dancer with your African dance troop, and spent an entire Summer in Spain. How many kids did we know that could say these things? Even with two parents.

Mommy worked hard for us, going to a dead end job so she could afford to finish her studies, even taking us to class with her sometimes. She never complained, she just did it! She never once blamed us for his behavior, she even kept his last name to stay connected to us, and she never made us feel like he was an evil person. Her exact words "Some people just aren't ready to be full time parents, but you should still love your father, he loves you".

As we got older he'd appear here and there but mainly it was a check in the mail, a birthday card, an amazing drawing of the three of us but that never filled your void, never filled mine either.

And then I turned 25 and I made a decision to get closure on my own, because clearly he wasn't going to ever provide that and honestly I wasn't interested. I've been free of him for 10yrs now. And in that 10 years I've taken the path my mother prayed for all those nights and now its your turn! You're a beautiful, smart, and talented woman and you are throwing all that out the window because you want for a father, a father that even now manages to only appear when he feels the need to. He hasn't changed, HE WON'T change. But you have to before this eats you alive.

If you don't do it for you do it for your daughter and your mother. But it's time! It's time to stop blaming yourself and lay that emotional burden at the feet of your God and walk away. I promise you it's a lot easier and painless. When we were kids you would recite John 3:16 over and over "for God so loved the world he gave his only be gotten son" well Lil Sis he gave his son so you would never feel like you had to save the world, the people of the world, YOUR FATHER included.

Now you're grown and you feel like some of the bad decisions you've made relate to him. Well, maybe they do. It's still no reason to continue making bad decisions. You're not 17 anymore. My point is that you've learned to recognize the bad so now you need to rid yourself of it and reclaim your happiness. A happiness that you're only entitled to if you participate in it.

I'm sure if you got a chance to read this letter you'd ask me why I'm writing this? Well I'm worried about you, and more importantly your daughter. She's experiencing the same thing only worse because she's an only child. Who does she have to turn to and hide behind? No one. We were lucky there were 3 of us. If she can't depend on you to be strong and selfless who will she ever be able to depend on? When her teen years roll around in a few short years, and her hormones control her every thought, she'll need to have some foundation and she won't if you're depressed.

Of course she'll have us but you and I both know there is nothing like a parent's love in the moments where you're torn. I know you want so many things for yourself, that's normal. But right now you need to focus on her and what's to come in her life.

So I beg of you, stop blaming yourself for what was never your fault and live guilt-free for the sake of you and your magnificent daughter.

I love you with all my heart!

xoxo,
Krishna D.