Dear Mom,

I wanna say I miss you. I miss you so bad with everything that I am, with parts that I didn't know existed inside of me before. I wanna apologise also because I didn't tell you that I love & appreciate you when you were still here. Now I regret every second not spent with you.

Every night dear mom you come to my mind and tears run down on my face, I have no control over it. Sometimes I get confused how life works... only good people leave, only good people get hurt, only good people have bad luck. What is the point?! I mean I'm sorry but how does it work exactly! 

After you passed away everything changed. Everything... my sister and I aren't the same anymore, we lost love we lost home we lost our connection. My dad... I never saw him that sad. He lost his support and happiness. I catch him most of the time crying and my soul breaks into billion of pieces. Mom you left and you took everything with you. It's so hard!

I still remember how you always used to tell me "this too shall pass" during hard times. That was your motto! You had such a big faith I was never able to understand back then... now I got it, thanks to you and all what you thought me. I survived! I am still breathing and able to smile after the biggest loss of my entire life. You! God I wish I could hug you one more time, for seconds only... or just look at you and see you looking back, or just talk to you. I'm still in need of you mom, I was never ready to lose you & will never be. I never actually expected to witness your death and earn this broken heart though, but it happened.

But you know... as much as I suffer here without you I just wish you're up there in a better place. That's all I wish. I can take the pain of your absence, I can keep going with a miserable life as long as you're somewhere better & happier. And I keep praying to God that You are.

 Rest in peace dear mom. I love you!

To You

This goes to the person I will never be able to say this. Whenever I thought of you, I would think of mean things for what you did, on how you treated me. I thought I'd start this letter with I hope your life had gone terribly wrong, but now do I realise that I don't want that. That I only want to get this off my chest. To finally let go of this stupid idea that it was my fault, that I was just a girl. But no. I guess we were just two people who didn't know how to handle it. And I'm not angry anymore, I'm just tired. Tired that every time I feel like telling my friend this it seems like she will accuse me of being a slut, or a bitch, or just stupid for letting myself get convinced.

Anyway, here I finish this letter, that made me realise how wrong I was, and that I need to let go of the past.

This is the letter that will never get to you, but is the letter that I will always remember. That I will always remember how it felt. How good it felt to finally stop being tired and start feeling the emotions I was scared of feeling.

From the girl who was never yours.

To My Ex,

I write this with no sarcasm, despite my sarcastic personality... I want to tell you thank you. Truth be told, you were a good first boyfriend. When we first started dating you were sweet and kind, and I knew you weren't after me to get in my pants. I was a whole head taller than you, had a good 30 lbs on you, and I didn't have sex with you until we had dated for an entire year. You were with me for me. I don't regret having sex with you, please don't get me wrong. I don't even regret the last five months of our relationship; you were graduating, I was a junior. You wanted to spend time with your friends and didn't want your girlfriend to mess with "sacred bro-time" before graduation. That's cool. I still don't understand it now. And I probably never will. You are never going to leave town. Your friends aren't ever going to leave town. Why did it matter that you had this "sacred bro-time"? I understand hanging out with the guys a couple days a week or whatever, but I saw you once a week. If I was lucky. I wouldn't have cared, you know. I just wish you would've told me what you were doing every now and then. You quit talking to me; do you remember that? Yeah... You quit that... Suddenly the guys weren't nice to me anymore and if I wanted to see you I had to choose between seeing you with them or not seeing you at all. You quit defending me. Remember the first seven months of my junior year? One of the girls you considered to be your friend made my life a living hell. She tormented me. She almost hit me with her car and spread rumors and threw stuff at me in the halls. And instead of telling her to back off you pretended I was crazy and that I didn't know what I was talking about. I told you that it wasn't working out. And you said you'd change it. You never said when. Or how. You pinky-promised that you would change, you pulled the crying card with me. I believed you and I waited for months for this change to happen because love is patient. I lost 23.2 lbs in 3 months because I got so depressed. I quit talking to my family. I was obsessed with trying to get your attention now. What had once been sweet and innocent love was now an obsessive competition where I always finished last to your friends, your job, your truck, and drinking. And then I looked in the mirror one day and the person looking back sucked. She wasn't the person I wanted to be anymore. So I got on the phone and weirdly you answered. I was crying, and you said it'd be all alright. You'd be over in a minute. I told myself I was going to dump you. I said, "You will do it with dignity. You will smile. You will say good-bye. And you will never let this happen to you again." It was my fault that I put up with it for so long. My heart knew that if you couldn't treat me better that someone else would. And it's true. I regret not listening to my heart sooner. But then again, if I had listened to my heart sooner I wouldn't be with the man I'm going to marry. So today I write you this letter that I will never send, sincerely thanking you for inadvertently teaching me to think with my heart and not with my head. For teaching me that I will never, ever be that weak again. With love, Your Ex-Girlfriend

I've Spent Some Time...

...deciding whether or not this is a good idea. I’m still not convinced it is. It is, however, the only thing I can think to do. I love you. That ‘love’ encompasses both the really close friends kind AND the romantically inclined kind. The lack of the second on your part will not affect the former on my part. I told you as much over Thanksgiving, but on the chance that it was couched in girl-speak, or misunderstood, or even, perhaps, unwelcome, I want to clarify. I acknowledge that any of these are a possibility- and if you’re not interested, hey, that’s OK. It happens. I also acknowledge that the obstacles are hardly minor. And I acknowledge that at this particular point in your life, even reading this may add to your burden of madness. If that’s so, I’m sorry. But I do have a favor to ask: until you do meet the Girl- the Real Deal- spare my heart for a little while, and don’t tell me about it. I’d love to be your girl. I like the beach when the fiery death ball is going down. You’re challenging, and brave and beautiful. I think you’re awfully excellent. Give me some time, censor these particular details- I will be quietly grateful, and I will move on. Not away from our friendship, which I value tremendously, but I’ll move past the twitterpation. But at this particular moment, in the full bore insanity and upheaval of the last two years, help me this way. (By doing this on paper that has been at the mercy of the US Postal Service, I’m giving you the option of pretending this never happened.) In any case, I want to watch you defend your thesis, bitch about grad school, be part of your support system, learn the rules of tennis, trade book recommendations, debate ALL the things and generally carry on as we have, save the above. I hope this doesn’t fuck things up.

Dear Best Guy "Friend,"

I was obsessed with you last year and then realized I never had a chance with you so I let go. Now I have moved on to someone else. But I really never have moved on or stopped liking you. Today I have a another man named WR that loves me a lot and always has since he came to this school. But I am still not happy. You always say that I am your closest girl friend but I am just known as your "friend". I go to sleep every night thinking about you and wishing that you liked me. All my friends say that I am so lucky because I have a guy that loves me (WR) and I love him back but I don't know if I want him anymore. I still want you.

You are always there for me whenever I need you. I remember when all of my friends turned against me, you were there for me and let me cry on your shoulder. You gave me a hug stood up for me and were on my side and told me that you were there for me. I don't know if you remember that but that was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I know that I could never get you because you are way too good for me. All of my friends say that I flirt with you too much and they tell me to back off but they don't know that I like you and have always had feelings for you since you came here. I love you. I will never tell you or any of my friends that I do love you because I know that WR would be heartbroken and that our friendship would be ruined. And you would not hang out with me anymore. That would just suck ass. I love you and I know that you "love me" too as a friend. It is hard to resist whenever I am with you though. I just had to let out all my feelings. I will NEVER send this.

Love,
Your Best Girl "Friend"

What Happened?

We knew each other the whole summer. Then you finally decided to ask for my number. When we first started talking, I was terrified to think any good might come from this. You were, and still are, sweet, funny, shy at times, and so many other things, and I was amazed that you wanted to spend your time with me.

As the days when on, I let myself be more comfortable about you. I thought that maybe this could be different. We told each other how we felt. You liked me and I liked you, what else is there? Literally the day before, you said you couldn't wait to see me. I even went and bought a new dress. Then you didn't show up. You left me waiting for you, crying.

What happened? You said you liked me and wanted me to meet your family. We were supposed to be a good thing. I cared about you....a lot. The first time I let myself, and this is what happens. I don't regret the time we had; I just wish I knew what went wrong. I've replayed out whole relationship over and over and over, but to no avail. It doesn't help that I see you often. Everything reminds me of you. Everything. I miss you.

I wish you the best, Puffy.

Love,
Musa

I Never Thought...

...that I would be the type of person to be writing one of these letters, but then again, I never thought I would find and lose the most beautiful soul that made my life worth living. You never expect to have someone make such an impact on your life, and then when it happens, it’s the greatest feeling around. Pure Love is a beautiful thing. I never thought it would happen to me, after being hurt so many times, I thought ‘LOVE’ was only a word, something that could be phrased without meaning. I always understood that there would be problems, but I was willing to work through anything. I dare say it was my willingness that eventually killed us. By wanting to be closer I only pushed you further and further, and I regret it every day, night, pretty much any time I draw breath. I am sorry for not being strong enough to be the person you needed. I hope one day I will be strong enough to be that person.

I think of all the times that helped me realise you were my one and only. The times were we would sit across the room from each other talking to others, but I would always see you smiling at me like I was the only person in the room, times where we would be apart for either a short period or days on end, but when we saw each other, we ran to each other to embrace and hold each other so tight, that it felt like neither one of us would ever let go, and making love, intense passionate love, and knowing that it was true, these are feeling that can never be changed or replaced.

My love for you will never leave, fade or die. No matter how you live your life, where it takes you or what you do, I hope you know my love for you will always be there. Even if it means I live a long and lonely life, at least I know that I will have loved my true Love, and it has filled my heart for eternity, and even in my darkest hour, when I sit and weep wishing you were there, at least I can say that you filled my life with Love, and you were everything I ever wanted.

I love you, miss you and hope you are healing.