What Happened?

We knew each other the whole summer. Then you finally decided to ask for my number. When we first started talking, I was terrified to think any good might come from this. You were, and still are, sweet, funny, shy at times, and so many other things, and I was amazed that you wanted to spend your time with me.

As the days when on, I let myself be more comfortable about you. I thought that maybe this could be different. We told each other how we felt. You liked me and I liked you, what else is there? Literally the day before, you said you couldn't wait to see me. I even went and bought a new dress. Then you didn't show up. You left me waiting for you, crying.

What happened? You said you liked me and wanted me to meet your family. We were supposed to be a good thing. I cared about you....a lot. The first time I let myself, and this is what happens. I don't regret the time we had; I just wish I knew what went wrong. I've replayed out whole relationship over and over and over, but to no avail. It doesn't help that I see you often. Everything reminds me of you. Everything. I miss you.

I wish you the best, Puffy.

Love,
Musa

I Never Thought...

...that I would be the type of person to be writing one of these letters, but then again, I never thought I would find and lose the most beautiful soul that made my life worth living. You never expect to have someone make such an impact on your life, and then when it happens, it’s the greatest feeling around. Pure Love is a beautiful thing. I never thought it would happen to me, after being hurt so many times, I thought ‘LOVE’ was only a word, something that could be phrased without meaning. I always understood that there would be problems, but I was willing to work through anything. I dare say it was my willingness that eventually killed us. By wanting to be closer I only pushed you further and further, and I regret it every day, night, pretty much any time I draw breath. I am sorry for not being strong enough to be the person you needed. I hope one day I will be strong enough to be that person.

I think of all the times that helped me realise you were my one and only. The times were we would sit across the room from each other talking to others, but I would always see you smiling at me like I was the only person in the room, times where we would be apart for either a short period or days on end, but when we saw each other, we ran to each other to embrace and hold each other so tight, that it felt like neither one of us would ever let go, and making love, intense passionate love, and knowing that it was true, these are feeling that can never be changed or replaced.

My love for you will never leave, fade or die. No matter how you live your life, where it takes you or what you do, I hope you know my love for you will always be there. Even if it means I live a long and lonely life, at least I know that I will have loved my true Love, and it has filled my heart for eternity, and even in my darkest hour, when I sit and weep wishing you were there, at least I can say that you filled my life with Love, and you were everything I ever wanted.

I love you, miss you and hope you are healing.

Dear You,

On the way home tonight I was listening to music, flipping through stations and being in my dad's car, I came across NPR. They were playing a beautiful song on the piano, a song that was sorrowful but reminded me of you. At first you playing the piano, then specifically of how we had long conversations about a year ago how we didn't want to ruin our friendship with a relationship.

Eventually the relationship developed, it lasted a good bit of time, and we enjoyed ourselves. I fell in love, but that's not my point, that's done with. One day you broke up with me, and I'm over that it's gone, done, and I'm over you.

However, one thing specifically stuck with me that you said. It was something like "I want us to be friends, good friends." In my mind it almost had the "like before" ring to it. Now I ask you, do you remember that? Did you mean it? Do you still mean it? Because this isn't friendship, you're not trying. And if you didn't mean it I can deal with that, but if you meant it and you are just too lazy to try, then shame on you.

Whichever way, I'm fine. I just hate it when people don't say what they mean and you of all people should know that. You know where to find me.


From,
Me

Dear You,

I can't say I miss you because I don't. I miss what we used to be. And who you used to be. But seeing you now, I realize that's not who you are anymore. You've changed, whether for better or worse I can't decide. Maybe it's the right thing, and we just weren't meant to last. But I think we both saw what was coming and just didn't have the courage to set it aside. Either way, there's no going back now. You made your decision.

Sure, whenever I see you around now, my heart breaks a little more, but I'm not going to let it show. I wear a smile everywhere I go, and I pretend that I'm doing just fine without you in my life. It's a lie. But you don't know it. How could you know, when you act as if you're a stranger to me?

You said you wanted us to be "just friends", and I didn't cry in front of you. I didn't yell or argue about it. I had tears in my eyes but I didn't let you see them. I turned away, nodded my understanding. You saw how you hurt me. I know you tried to be that "just friends" with me. Even after we broke up we would text or just talk. Then she came along. Now it's been months since we last talked. I don't want to
be "that girl you went out with". If I can't be what I used to at least let me be a friend. Isn't that what you wanted?

I won't deny that I miss the way you held my hand, the way you kissed me, the way you laughed. And seeing you smile and knowing it was for me: that was the best feeling of all. Now I'm forced to realize someone else has you. And that she's everything I wasn't.

I don't hold anything against either of you. I love you, and as long as you're happy I will be too. So take your time, see what you need to, find out who you want to be while you're with her. All I ask is that when you see me around, when you pretend you don't know me, and when she tells YOU she wants to be "just friends".. well, I hope in your heart you Remember.

-Me

Dear You,

I'm sure if you were to read this, you would know I was talking about you. I would hope you would read it and it would hurt. It would stab you in the chest to think back and know you hurt someone that much.

You know, I wish you knew how it felt from my view when you walked out. How it made me feel pathetic. Like maybe, just maybe I wasn't enough to make you stay. Like there was something so much better on the other side of the fence. But then you made your second, very vital mistake. You tried to come back. You tried to weasel yourself back into that empty space you left in my chest. You tried to make it seem like nothing had ever happened. You thought it would be okay. That because you had realized you made a mistake, that all would be forgiven. I have news for you. I don't forgive that easily.

It's been almost a year now. And every time we push you away, you come back pushing harder. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry you had to walk out on everything you held dear to you. That you had to walk out something you had put so much effort in to. But in finally realizing, it isn't my fault. It isn't my moms fault either.

You were supposed to be the dad. The role model. The person who was my rock. Well daddy, your a crappy rock.

Sincerely,
Me

I'm Writing Because...

...I need to feel the satisfaction of being able to press send, but not actually send.

I need to feel like someone understands what I'm going through. Like someone will read this and RELATE to me. Make me feel like I'm not totally crazy all the time.

I need someone to see through my facade. My fake face that I'm really good at. So good in fact, that no one ever knows there's something wrong with me. I'm an average girl, who lives the good life. What no one sees, or cares to see, is what's underneath my skin.

My problem? I'm worthless. Sure, maybe I'm not really. But I wake up every morning looking in the mirror thinking "great. One more day with me."

I hate myself. I hate myself for breaking up my family, for never being good enough for anyone, most definitly not me. I hate myself for being a disappointment to everyone. I'm really not even worth it.

I depend on people to hold me up. Then when they don't, or they can't I fall. And I blame. I ruin people, and I ruin myself.

I'm worthless.

Beaten.

And completely alone.

Dear You,

I hate how you come into my life at random moments. I tell my friends I'm done with you and that I'll never go back to you. But all you have to do is flash me one of your smiles or give me a look with you gorgeous blue eyes. Then from there it's all down hill.

I know you have other girls you toy around with in your own town. You make them feel special like you make me feel special. But at least you call them. At least you're there for more than a day with them before you take off. I wish I wanted the same thing you wanted, just a hookup. But the truth is it's been about six months since I've been sure I've wanted more.

I can't date anyone else because all I think about is you, which is pathetic because I know you won't love me. Ever. I miss you constantly. You told me so many things and I wanted to believe every word you said. It sounded so nice, so perfect. I still remember the night you told me you wanted to try this summer. You wanted to make it work. But I doubt that will happen.

I miss you kissing me, having your arms around me all the time. No one compares because whatever I felt with you I've never felt it before. What hurts the most, is knowing for you, I was just another girl and that it doesn't change the way I feel at all.

Love Always,
Emma